WASHINGTON. D.C. — President Donald Trump recently attacked wind-based energy production in part because the turbines necessary kill a lot of birds and the noise they make could even cause cancer. It is not a new attack on Big Blow by the president, he made similar statements in 2012 when fighting the installation of wind turbines on his golf course in Scotland. Today, in the Oval Office, President Trump doubled-down on his attacks on wind power, but also issued an executive order appointing a new Czar of Wind Cancer.
“To be fair, I am not saying that wind itself causes the cancer. Just the noise those turbines make,” Trump said while signing the order. “Hey, I gotta question for you newspaper nerds — why do we let Big Blow put Muslim hats on our hillsides to make wind? Frankly, I don’t trust people in turbines unless they’re investing in a Trump real estate venture, know what I mean fam?”
For the next five minutes Trump rambled about the different Muslim people he’s seen wearing “various turbines and other Muslim garb.” Eventually, he found himself looking at the piece of paper in front of him.
“What is this? Oh, right. The thingy with the wind cancer,” Trump reminded himself. “Wind cancer. Very serious thing. Very serious. Kills more people very year than died in the Bowling Green Massacre and Jade Helm combined. That’s why I know I picked the right guy for this new government position I am creating to combat wind cancer.”
Trump stroked his orange crayon over the order and admired his small-handy work.
“As of this moment, Dr. Professor David Avocado Wolfe is your new Wind Cancer Czar, reporting directly to me and of course Dr. Joseph Mercola,” Trump announced. “Dr. Wolfe’s first task will be in helping us find and destroy all the windmills in America.”
Mr. Trump also appointed a special assistant to the czar, Mr. Sam Cho Pantz, and he will accompany Dr. Wolfe on his crusade against the wind turbines currently in production in the United States.
“Previous administrations didn’t warn the American public about the dangers of wind cancer, but I guess they weren’t as brave or smart as me,” Trump boasted. “And if anyone knows about the effects of non-stop hot air blowing, it’s me.”
President Trump said he knows that “no one knows how to use woo and magic to combat fake cancer” like Wolfe.
“And in this administration we don’t like fake things. Not fake news, not fake cancer, nothing,” Trump insisted. “Well, maybe fake presidents. They’re pretty cool, actually. Don’t you think? I do.”
Dr. Wolfe could not be in the Oval Office for the ceremony, as he was in an undisclosed location harvesting chakras and building a large storage container for the country’s karmic juices. He did however issue a statement in the wake of the announcement.
“I am honored to bring my unique skill set to an administration that obviously sees the value in disinformation, fear mongering, and sacrificing all principles and morality in pursuit of the almighty dollar,” Wolfe’s statement reads. “But I hope to help bring Big Wind to heel, and hold them accountable for those who suffer needlessly thanks to their efforts to keep right on blowing.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.