Thursday, March 30, 2023

Trump Says He Saw ‘Hundreds of Thousands’ of White Hoods at El Paso Rally

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite local El Paso fire department officials denying his claim, President Donald Trump is still insisting that his rally last night in El Paso had more people at it than the one being held just a few hundred yards away by presumed Democratic presidential hopeful Beto O’Rourke. 

During the rally, Politico reports that Trump boasted about how many people were attending.

“If you would say, as an example, that tonight 69,000 people signed up to be here,” he said. “Now the arena holds 8,000. And thank you, Fire Department. They got in about 10,000. Thank you, Fire Department. Appreciate it.”

However, El Paso authorities are pushing back on that claim, calling it false.

Fire Department spokesman Enrique Aguilar told the El Paso Times on Monday that Trump did not receive permission to exceed the limit and that there were 6,500 people inside the building during the president’s rally. The coliseum holds about 6,500 people.

O’Rourke’s crowd size, mocked by Trump, was probably higher than Trump’s. In fact, there are estimates that put Beto’s number just south of twice — or more — of Trump’s crowd size.

Estimates from O’Rourke’s anti-border wall protest show that 7,000 to 8,000 people attended his rally. Some other reports put attendance as high as 10,000 to 15,000.

This morning, while drinking a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke straight from the mouth, and dipping bits of KFC into various sauces and condiments, Trump doubled-down on his El Paso crowd size claims. In fact, one might even say he more than doubled-down.

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

“I don’t care what the Fake News or El Paso officials say, I know I had way more people there than Ringo or whatever his name is,” Trump said.

The president flung his head to the side. Who had dared to interrupt his executive pontification time?

“That’s Beto, Boss,” Trump’s Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney, told him. “His name is Beto O’Rourke. And all accounts are that somehow he used his voodoo socialist magic and conjured up more people to be at his commie rally than at your glorious authoritarian showing of power, sir.”

Trump waved Mulvaney off with a kingly motion and a quick fart.

“Be gone with you Mick! I know what I saw,” Trump said. “I saw them with the same two eyes that saw 12.8 million Muslims dancing on 9/11 as the towers fell. The same two eyes that saw 45 trillion illegal Mexicans entering the country illegally and voting for Crooked H. The same two eyes that saw 156 trillion people watching his inauguration on the national mall. And yes, the same two eyes that see 23 squintillion angry Democrats on Conflicted Bob Mueller’s team.”

Trump farted again, clearing the way for another thought.

“I looked out on that crowd in El Paso and I saw hundreds of thousands of pointy white hoods,” Trump declared. “Everywhere I looked, I saw white pointy hoods. It reminded me of my dad’s poker nights, to be honest.”

Mulvaney hurriedly scoured tape and photographs from the El Paso rally.

“Sir, I’m sorry to say, but I don’t see any white hoods, and even if I did, I’m not too sure you should be thrilled about that. I mean, white hooded Americans have typically,” Mulvaney was explaning when Trump cut him off with another wave.

Grunting slightly, Trump farted again, this time with a little moisture seeping into the equation.

“We need to wrap this up, I have an important meeting with my phone on the toilet,” Trump said. “So let me just reiterate it for you all. Last night, more people watched my rally in El Paso than have ever lived on this planet. There were people there who didn’t even know they were there. There were people there who haven’t even been fucking born yet. There were people there that have been dead for years. And why? Why were all those people there last night, especially if it can’t be proved?”

Trump farted just one more time.


El Paso fire officials say that they cannot confirm Trump’s claims, but that they “might” be true.

“Look, he held a rally for his supporters, and so if you were tell me a whole lot of them were wearing white hoods,” one fire chief told us, “then, yeah, I’d believe it. So maybe he wasn’t lying. Wait, what am I saying? Of course he’s lying.”

This story is developing.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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