WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is clearly rattled, and it would appear he might actually believe he could lose his reelection bid, now that the the campaigning is officially over. Ballots have been cast for weeks, and sometimes months, depending on the state, and it appears, at least judging by his latest request, that Trump understands he might not get as many votes as Joe Biden gets when it’s all said and done.
“Good morning. I hope all my fine, upstanding, gun toting, ammo hoarding, pussy grabbing patriot supporters are out in force, voting very strongly and powerfully for me,” Trump told reporters as he did laps around the White House lawn, farting out his second breakfast of the day. “Because we’re gonna need a lot of votes to overcome those sneaky early voters. I can’t believe we basically let people vote in this country whenever they want, up to a certain deadline. Freedom makes it really hard to maintain control of power, you know.”
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Trump lifted his right leg, made a squinting face, and pushed out what pool reporters are calling the most foul-smelling fart of his presidential career.
“And that’s saying a lot, because the night that he hosted the Clemson Tigers he ate fourteen Big Macs,” Washington Gazette reporter Susan Caroltomavitch told us. “This fart was, and I dare say this with extreme care and respect, the asshole equivalent of a Holocaust wrapped in garbage and dredged in shit flour. You know, flour made from shit? Yeah, that’s what his fart smelled like.”
After letting out all of the putrid gas, Trump said he’d “made room in [his] brain for a thought” with the fart.
“What if, now, hear me out folks,” Trump said, “what if we make elections work on golf score rules? Lowest score wins? It’s like the Electoral College, but better, because it just goes on raw point totals. I love golf, and I’m really good at cheating at it, so I honestly think this is the best, and most fair way to handle elections, if you ask me.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.