In less than 48 hours, Donald Trump will no longer be President of the United States. Rumors are running rampant that he will try to get right back into the White House in four years with another presidential bid. However, for now, Trump has begun to turn his attention toward the last, final steps in winding down his one and only presidential term.
As the Trump staffers and aides clear out the McNugget dipping sauces from the Resolute Desk drawer and take down all the velvet paintings of First Lady Ivanka in lingerie, the outgoing president has apparently begun work on the last speech he’ll deliver to the American people as their dipshit in chief. Several outlets were emailed a draft copy of Trump’s farewell speech, which he plans to give the night before Joe Biden is sworn in, and we were forwarded a copy of a copy of the speech.
What follows below is an exact transcript of the draft we were sent. The White House has not confirmed or denied the veracity of the draft that was emailed this morning.
|My Fellow MAGAs and I Guess the Losers and Fucktards Who Didn’t Vote For Me,
Wow. The last four years certainly were a blur, weren’t they? And I am so blessed and honored to leave the White House in a few short hours, having permanently Made America Great Again, restocked the nation’s windmill cancer vaccine supplies, and overseen a resurgence in American white nationalism the likes of which haven’t been seen since the Tyrant Lincoln entered that bigly bad deal at Appomattox. I would never have signed that deal, by the way, and the South wouldn’t have had to try to rise again on January 6th, but anyway, enough about that. Let’s get down to the business of why I told Ivanka to start writing all this shit down — the business of my fart-well address.
Basically, in short, I just want to say to all of you, “Goodbye, you ungrateful sacks of fuck.”
Granted, I’m still very disappointed because I know deep down I won. If all you do is throw out all the “urban votes,” only count the certain votes we say you should count, and stop counting before Biden’s numbers get higher than mine…I win! It’s so simple it boggles my mind that more people didn’t see it!
I did so much for you, and you ungrateful pieces of shit never once gave me a Donald Trump Day! Who else but me, your favorite president, reminded you that you have the right to inject yourself with any household cleaning product you want? Who, other than me, had the courage to stand up to the free and fair press when they were so rude to me, by asking questions, writing down my answers, and then telling people what my answers were? You all know I was the best thing you’ll ever have, and now you can’t have me anymore, you fucks!
To be honest, I’m even a little mad at my MAGAs! My beautiful MAGAs! Couldn’t any of you have voted for me a couple more times? I’m told that very few of my MAGAs even tried to vote more than once for me, and that makes me wonder if you ever truly in my cult, or just pretending to love me because I had power and I was owning the libs?
At any rate, I have to go now, apparently. The stupid fucking Constitution says so. Believe me, folks, I tried like hell to get the powers that be to see how stupid that scrap of worthless parchment is, and I tried to force them to make me your president, because only I know what’s best for the American people, but not even Bill “Super Cuck” Barr would help me overturn the election, and he left it to that fucking idiot Rudy.
So…that’s where we are at now. I have to leave.
But I will not leave until I take this opportunity to thank you, the American loser-ass-rubes. You let me make my companies, and my children, more financially solvent. You helped enrich myself and my offspring, and you did it while defending my right to do so, a lot of you!
Every round of golf I played, charging you, the American people, for the whole outing, was a true blessing and honor. Of yours. You’ll see. You’ll feel very bigly honored to have paid for my four year long vacation from pretending to be a businessman.
Pretending to be your president will remain one of the highlights of my life, and I know I may never fail upwards in such a way again. I may not have a Twitter account anymore, and I may be kicked off all reputable social media sites in general, but I’ll always be your president. Even when I’m not. I totally still will be.
God Bless Me, My Sexy Ivanka, and If There’s Any Blessing Leftover, America, I Guess, Whatever,
President Donald “My Genitals and Hands Are Extremely Normal” Trump
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.