Trump Says His ‘Guys’ Will Find Ark of The Covenant and Holy Grail Within First 100 Days if Re-Elected

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump has ordered that his administration mount an effort to recover two vitally important Christian artifacts, as soon is as humanly possible.

“I’ll tell you this much,” Trump told the press inside the  Oval Office, “we will task our military with hunting down and finding the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail within the first hundred days of my next term, and that much is guaran-friggin’-teed, my friends.”

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Mr. Trump told the media that “hunting down priceless Jew artifacts” is something “powerful dictators — er — presidential dictators do.” He then told reporters that he and his team of advisers already had leads to follow, such as a bartender in Nepal who might hold a medallion which gives precise instructions on how to construct a staff, put the medallion atop it, and then locate the tomb in which the ark is kept.

“And then, once we get that friggin’ ark, I’m sending my best men to open it and see what’s in it. We’ll film the whole thing,” Trump told reporters.

Once the Ark of the Covenant has been opened, Trump says he plans to “replace the Constitution with what should have been used in its place, the Ten Commandments.” Trump insisted that the Founders would have loved this idea.

“Some egghead somewhere is going to tell you that they wouldn’t have put the wall of separation between Church and State in the friggin’ Constitution if they wanted to just have a religious theocracy instead of a republic,” Trump said, “but who’s the expert on walls? Me. And I know that wall is total and utter bullshit. Bring on the sharia, motherfuckers!”

After securing the Ark, Trump said his “guys” will then set their sights on the cup that, according to ancient mythology, caught the blood of Jesus Christ during his crucifixion.

“I’ve contacted my good friend Walter Donovan to head-up that search,” Trump told the media, “but if he can’t get the job done, there’s this father-son team of archaeologists that we’re trying to make contact with. Apparently the father’s been searching his whole life for the grail, and his son has some experience hunting treasure when he’s not teaching at his local university. We think our chances are friggin’ good.”

When reporters asked what Trump planned to do with the religious artifacts, he let out a chuckle.

“Harness their power, of course,” Mr. Trump responded, adding, “so that America can be great again. Duh.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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