NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Donald Trump Jr. announced today that all Trump hotels will begin to offer a selection of “the bestest smocked meats available to mankind” next year.
“Okay, so like, Eric and I were talking about the business — you know, completely and totally separately from my dad, who, as President of the United States has, like, totally removed himself from all our business operations,” Trump Jr. said with an extremely blatant wink. “Anyway, we all — er I mean, me and Eric, decided that the menus for our room service and restaurants were missing that extra bit of class a nice shart-cutery board with the bestest smocked meats.”
The smocked meats offered by Trump hotels will be selected from the animals Eric and Donald Jr. shoot on their hunting trips.
“What’s the point of having the animals drugged so you can shoot them with your high-powered rifles,” Trump Jr. asked rhetorically, “if you don’t share your meat with everyone, especially women. Daddy always said he wanted to share his meat with as many women as possible, especially Sissy. I guess women aren’t gooder than men at everything, huh libtards, if they still need men to get them their meat!”
Though the Trump boys were without their father’s advice and consent on this move, they did bring in the expertise of an old family friend, just to be sure.
“We called up David Dennison and had him sit in on the meeting,” Trump Jr. explained, “just like he did for that meeting with the Russian lawyers in Trump Tower during the summer of 2016 when we were colluding with them to…you know. I think I may have said a little too much there.”
The plates of fine smocked meats and cheeses will roll out at Trump hotels worldwide during the first quarter of 2019. They are expected to sell for roughly $130,000, and for that price Trump Hotels promises to keep quiet about anything you want them to, smocked meats or otherwise.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.