Thursday, March 30, 2023

Citing Trump’s Impeachment, Son of Sam Requests Retrial With No Witnesses or Documents

NEW YORK — Attorneys for the convicted serial killer known as “Son of Sam” have requested that he be given a new trial, more than 40 years after he was initially found guilty in the murder of six people. David Berkowitz used his .44 caliber revolver in the summer of 1977 to kill six women and wound seven more. His murder spree shocked a nation, but in New York City, where he did his killing, it struck fear deep into the heart of every resident.

At his trial, Berkowitz claimed he was commanded to kill his victims by his dog. However, in new court filings, Berkowitz’ legal team is asking that he be granted a new trial, based on developments elsewhere in the country. Berkowitz believes that a new legal precedent was set in the impeachment trial of President Donald J. Trump, and he wants the “same style of trial” that Trump got in the Senate. 

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“If we are truly a nation where no one is better than the other, where we are all equal,” Berkowitz’ lawyers wrote in a motion filed in New York Superior Court, “then we must accept that the president is neither above the law, nor entitled to a wholly separate form of a trial, and therefore we respectfully request Mr. Berkowitz be given the same style of trial as the President of the United States was afforded.”

Specifically, Berkowitz wants a trial without any witnesses or documents presented by the prosecution. He’d also like to ensure that the jury is made up mostly of people who have already gone on the record that they will not convict him, no matter how much evidence they would have otherwise been presented with. This, Berkowitz’ lawyers argue, is the “only truly equal and fair way to conduct trials in America now.”

“No witnesses. No documents. A jury that’s already declared our client’s innocence,” the motion states, “These are the only ways that American courts should operate now. Further, we request the right to harass, harangue, and intimidate potential witnesses and the jurors, just in case they get the notion that they don’t have to abide by the new rules set forth by the most powerful office holder in the country. The president has set a new standard and precedent, and Mr. Berkowitz feels entitled to a new trial under those standards and precedents.”

Berkowitz’ lawyers even requested specific jurors be considered.

“We humbly request twelve Republican senators be sat on the jury, as they’re clearly very willing to ignore crimes,” the motion states. “Mr. Berkowitz is willing to register as a Republican if that helps his chances for an acquittal, as well.”

President Trump’s impeachment trial ultimately ended in an acquittal, but on nearly partisan lines. One Republican, Senator Mitt Romney of Utah, did vote to convict Trump on the charge that he abused his power. The second article of impeachment, a charge of obstructing Congress, also brought about an acquittal for Trump, but neither party had senators vote out of step with their caucus on that charge. Some have said a precedent has been established that presidents can do whatever they want so long as their party controls enough seats in the Senate. Berkowitz’ lawyers steered clear of any political arguments, and simply made their case that “if a president can get a trial with no witness testimony or documentary evidence, so too can the rest of America.”

The judge in Berkowitz’ new case has not given any indication when a decision could be reached. Berkowitz’ legal team is hoping to have him home by the summertime, if all goes according to plan. The NRA has already reached out to the Son of Sam, offering their assistance in getting his gun back, citing his “absolute Second Amendment rights.” 

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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