Thursday, March 30, 2023

Trump Wants Impeachment Witnesses Shipped Off to Border Camps

WASHINGTON, D.C — President Donald Trump wasted no time at all seeking his retribution on administration officials who testified — mostly all under subpoena — during the House impeachment investigation into his scheme to engage Ukrainian officials and force them into investigating former Vice President Joe Biden and his son Hunter. Just hours after Senate Republicans saw to it he was acquitted on both articles of impeachment passed by House Democrats last December, Trump had fired former EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland, and Purple Heart recipient Lt. Col. Alex Vindman and his twin brother. Vindman was given the particularly degrading sendoff of being escorted off White House grounds after his position on the national security council was terminated. 

Vindman and Sondland both provided key, damning testimony that President Trump wanted to extort a newly elected Ukrainian president using vital military aide as leverage. Though both were accused of not having anything much more than “hearsay” evidence by Congressional Republicans, it was clear that Trump was outraged by their testimony, tweeting his anger at them several times both before and since their testimony. Though perhaps none on the Hill are surprised by the vindictive retribution sought by Trump, having essentially gotten his actions rubber stamped by a complicit Republican majority in the Senate, what he told reporters he’s “bigly thinking about” doing next, could change that.

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“If it were up to me — and is because I am your God Emperor King President now — I would send all of the traitors to the border camps to live with the brown babies,” Trump yelled at reporters on the White House lawn. “They don’t deserve to live in my country if they’re going to say mean, true things about what I said and did. How dare they use my own words and actions against me, as if I’m some kind of average pleb? I’m the president! I get to say and do whatever I want, and if you don’t believe me, ask 53 United States Senators and my great Attorney General, William Barr! They’ll tell you!”

President Trump announced that he’s having Barr “look into” the legality of rounding up the likes of Sondland, Vindman, former Ukraine Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch, and the others who testified against him during the impeachment hearings. He would prefer that they be tried in the same court that acquitted him, “to keep things consistent.” However, he’s also got a contingency plan, in case Barr says it’s not legal to put someone in a concentration camp for speaking their truth to power.

“If Barr says I can’t do it, and I really highly doubt he will, I’ll just do it anyway,” Trump explained. “After what happened last week, I can’t just shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and get away with it. I can shoot literally everyone, and there’s nothing any of you cucks can do about it. So legal-shmegal I say. I’m gonna do what I want, when I want. As Mick Mulvaney said, get over it.”

Congressional Republicans have already signalled their support for Trump’s plan.

“Frankly, they should have known better than to speak freely in this country, with this president,” Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-DUI) told reporters with a slur in his voice. “Maybe ‘f they d’in wanna go to a camp, they shoulda done what I do and suck up to him. Once youuuu getused to the taste, his taint is quite lovely.”

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Rectum) said he thinks it’s “about time Trump went on the offensive.”

“Sure, he’s always being offensive, but I mean he should be attacking his accusers, punishing them for their reckless attempts to hold him accountable,” Graham said. “I don’t know what kind of country they think we are, but they’re not just allowed to check or balance his power. And I’m hoping Trump puts Adam Schiff in a border camp, too. Elections have consequences, and one of the consequences of 2016 is that unless Trump says you’re elected, you’re not. He should strip Schiff and Nadler of their election victories and send them packing, comrades.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) was too busy fucking a lump of Kentucky coal to comment, his staff said. However, shortly after contacting his senate office, a statement was issued from McConnell’s team. 

“As long as Trump remains a Republican, Senator McConnell intends to carry his water,” McConnell’s office wrote, “while the president carries the senator’s balls in his pocket.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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