Thursday, March 30, 2023

Trump To Give Jordan and Nunes Presidential Medal of Having a Purty Mouth

WASHINGTON, D.C. — There are just barely over two weeks left in his presidential career, and Donald Trump has been acting like it at times lately.

Though he’s still doing everything he can to overturn the results of the election he lost last year, going so far as to call Georgia’s Secretary of State to demand he “find” votes that would nullify the state’s certified result in favor of former Vice President Joe Biden. There are things Trump has started to do lately, like issuing several highly controversial pardons to people connected to his inner circle, that seem to indicate on some level he knows it’s over. To that end, this morning, the White House announced that Trump would be awarding a presidential medal to two of his most devoted and loyal congressional servants — Representatives Jim Jordan and Devin Nunes.

RELATED: Adorable! The Trump Boys Have Started Calling Joe Biden “Daddy”

“President Donald Trump will be awarding the Presidential Medal of Having a Purty Mouth to Jim Jordan of Ohio and Devin Nunes of California,” Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters on the White House driveway today. “This award is given to only the most brave, bold, and patriotic Americans who understand the continued survival of the republic absolutely depends on the president getting sloppy, public blowies, and more importantly, doing them well.”

Over the course of the past four years, it would be hard to identify a more devoted pair of congressional cheerleaders and sycophants for Trump than Jordan and Nunes. Both men fought hard to keep Trump shielded from the consequences of trying to extort Ukraine into helping him win the election. Nunes went so far as to travel to Ukraine himself on an errand for the president.

“Congressman Jordan has a very fine mouth. Moist, and supple. Maybe because he never wears a sports coat, he just seems more relaxed, and that shows in how he sucks off the president,” McDitzydick explained, “and as for Congressman Nunes? Well, there have been very few people more willing to debase themselves for the pleasure of this president, and this president believes in rewarding his most loyal toadies.”

Jordan and Nunes will join with more than 140 other fellow House Republicans to contest the certification of Biden’s win in the Electoral College tomorrow. There is absolutely zero chance that the results of the election will be overturned. However, both men have indicated they intend to contest the vote certification anyway.

Donald Trump will be forced out of office at noon on January 20th, 2021, no matter how hard he cries about it.

RELATED: Trump Wants U.S. Treasury to Print a ‘Few Million Dollars He Can Leave the White House With


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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