Presidential libraries are often planned and built once the nation’s chief executive leaves office. While President Donald J. Trump may not have been expecting to have to start planning his own quite so soon, the fact remains that as of January 22nd, 2021, he’ll be free to start doing to so, and will likely have the space free in his schedule, as he won’t be needed for presidential rage-tweeting duties at that point. Word out of the Trump administration, though, is that despite his outward projections of enormous confidence about the outcome of the election, Trump had accepted the possibility of his loss months ago, and began the process of finding a place in the United States to build the Donald Trump Presidential Library and Strip Club.
Today the top two finalist cities were announced from the Oval Office by the president.
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“It’s with really a great, bigly honor that I announce today we have narrowed down our choice of host cities for my lie-berry,” Trump told reporters as he ate his Happy Meal behind the Resolute Desk, “and I think we have it down to a couple of real great, great choices.”
Trump announced that one option for the Trump library’s location is — as he described it — a “cute little swamp” in Florida, not far from where Mar-A-Lago sits. The president likes this option, he said, because it reminds people of how he “totally and completely drained the swamp” in D.C. and it’s within a golf cart’s drive from his Florida residence at his luxury resort. However, there’s also a lot of sentimental value attached to the second finalist, as well.
“The other option we’re very strongly considering is building the lie-berry onto an existing Manhattan dump site,” Trump said, proudly. “Everyone knows I’m one of the most famous and successful real estate developers in New York’s history, and everyone also knows that I am literal garbage that belongs in a landfill, so the imagery and sentimental connection is definitely tugging at my heart strings. Oh, wait, no, that’s the chili fries from last night doing that.”
Trump let out a titanic fart.
“Ah, that’s much, much better,” Trump said. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, we have to plan our 2024 comeback. Which, of course, we won’t need on account of all those trillions of illegal votes Super-spreader Barrett and Bart O’Connor will help me get tossed out. But still, just in case my totally foolproof plan to win the election in the courts falls through, we want to be ready to hit the pussy grabbin’ in 2024.”
The president’s aides shut the door to the Oval Office as reporters filed out.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.