WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump was forced to issue a hasty apology to the Lincoln Family Trust this morning after a hot mic picked up the alleged billionaire referring to the wife of the 16th President of the United States “the Lincoln tunnel.”
“Uh, before I begin my usual unhinged tirade of Breitbart headlines, right-wing fever dream conspiracy theories, and fascist xenophobia, let me just offer by bigliest sorries to the Lincolns,” Trump said this morning in the White House driveway. “It was very insensitive of me to call Mary Todd that, and I am very sorry and ashamed. It was, of course, not my idea or my fault, and I will make sure to really let the person who told me to say that have it, trust me, folks.”
The joke came while Trump and his First Lady were having breakfast in bed.
“I turned to Ivanka and I made a little joke, okay? I said to her, I’m the luckiest guy to ever be president, because I didn’t have some hag for a First Lady,” Trump explained, “like the Lincoln Tunnel, and she laughed so fuckin’ hard she spit out her fuckin’ eggs! Which fuckin’ reminds me — Praise Jesus. There, that oughtta make the fundies happy another a few months.”
Trump apologized for hurting anyone’s feelings and insisted that “no one loves the bitches” like he does.
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“I love the bitches! I’m not a misogynist! I’m always talking about how much I admire some broad or another,” Trump professed. “Just ask Ivanka how much I love women. If anyone knows how much I love the female form, it’s my daughter Ivanka!”
While Trump says he hopes that he didn’t make his Republican base angry, he also hopes they “realize what a true comedic genius” their president is.
“The important thing is that we’ve established I’m the funniest comedian in the country,” Trump said with satisfaction. “Conservatives of course make the best comedians. Like Dennis Miller and that Crowder guy who seems like he really just needs to fuck a dude and get over it. Of course, I’m influenced by the great conservative comedian Nathan Bedford Forrest. He was HILARIOUS.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”