Thursday, June 8, 2023

Trump Tells Maria Bartiromo He Still Hasn’t Accepted Results of Election or Insurrection

In a new interview with Fox News host Maria Bartiromo, former President Donald John Mushroom Sized Dong Trump said he still has yet to reconcile with the fact that he lost the election and an attempted coup. Trump, by phone, told Bartiromo that he’s been feeling “lost and a little unsure” of himself since he really believed that if he lost the election, he’d still find a way to “stay in office” and blasted Republicans who “didn’t bend the knee do what it took” to keep Joe Biden from actually taking office.

“Maria, I have to tell you, I was quite shocked. Really very shocked. Did I mention I was shocked? Because I was shocked,” Trump said. “I truly thought there was no way the country would vote for the guy who doesn’t even have the balls to say how hot he thinks his daughter is. But I really thought that I was allowed, as president, to ignore any election results that hurt my feelings anyway. I’m still upset that Billy Barr wouldn’t make that argument for me personally before the Burrito Supreme Court or whatever it’s called.”


Trump argued that “even if [he] lost on a technicality as lame as counting all the votes,” he still should have been allowed to stay in power because of the attempted coup on his behalf. On January 6th, after he delivered an inciteful speech before them, thousands of angry Trump supporters listened to the former president’s words and took them as encouragement to mount an insurrection. That day, Congress was meeting to certify the results of the election, and Trump’s allies had spent weeks telling MAGA faithful that it was the last day someone could, as they referred to it, “Stop the Steal” of the election.

“Now, listen, Maria, listen. Are you listening? I’m not there so I can’t tell if you’re looking right into my soulless eyes or not,” Trump continued. “If you ask me, whether or not my coup so-called failed or not, I still should have been given credit for it, and they should have installed me as president for another four years. No president has ever had someone do a coup for them like that, and I think that means I should have won, the whole friggin’ thing.”

Former President Trump said he will probably never accept that he lost the election or the insurrection.

“I don’t think it’ll ever really be something I accept. I don’t accept things that make me feel bad. If I did, I would stop hitting on Ivanka like she’s told me to do several times,” Trump explained. “As a rich, white, old man, I am entitled to life being what I say it is.”


Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
Must Read


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Latest News

God Apologizes For Not Telling Everyone About His Great Replacement Project Sooner

After a white supremacist gunman's killing spree in Buffalo, New York over the weekend revealed the shooter's manifesto included...

More Articles Like This