Sunday, September 19, 2021

Trump Suggests NFL Players Protest Police Brutality With Tiki Torches, Swastikas, and Weapons

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the past three years, the NFL has been grappling with how to placate conservative and liberal fans of football, thanks to some players protesting police brutality against people of color by kneeling for the National Anthem before games, and the President of the United States has wasted none of his very precious and powerful time weighing in on several occasions against the protests.

Many on the Hill believe that Trump continues to pick fights with protesting NFL players because it is an issue that resonates with his supporters. Whether or not that’s true, this morning Mr. Trump seemed ready to extend and olive branch to protesters he has in the past referred to as “sons of bitches” for not standing for the anthem. In the Oval Office, speaking to reporters, Trump suggested some ways players could change their method of protest that would appease Trump and his base.

“Hey, you know, watching those nice young gentlemen try to unite the right again this past weekend in Charlottesville made me think of something,” Trump said, scratching his posterior with one hand and snorting a line of chopped of KFC off his daughter’s left breast with the other. “If these urbans want to protest my flag and my anthem, they should do it the right way. The way good people protest.”

That’s when Trump suggested that NFL players who wish to protest police brutality do so with “Tiki torches, Swastikas, and weapons.”

“I like those kinds of protesters; they seem like good people,” Trump said. “I’ve only seen the bigly best of my people carrying those torches, and Nazi symbols and makeshift bludgeoning instruments.”

The president insisted if protesting players started protesting like white nationalists have been since he took office, he and his base would encourage the protests, not discourage them.

“I never said they shouldn’t protest; I just said they shouldn’t protest like uppity, entitled urbans,” Trump said. “They should protest like angry, ignorant, entitled white people instead.”

A representative from the NFL players union called Trump’s idea “the stupidest idea since asking a reality-TV attention whore and failed businessman to run the country.”

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