Friday, March 31, 2023

Trump Official: IG Report Indicates Comey Was Second Gunman on Grassy Knoll and Helped Hillary Cover Up Benghazi

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the Office of the Inspector General released a report on the actions of fired FBI Director James Comey. Mr. Comey was terminated as FBI Director by former Attorney General Jeff Sessions at the behest of President Donald Trump back in 2017. Comey’s firing was one of the key events that led to the appointment of Robert Mueller as special counsel, tasked with investigating Russian interference in the 2016 on Trump’s behalf, as well as any obstruction of justice attempts by the president in the investigations into said interference.

The IG report effectively criticizes Comey for breaking with Department of Justice guidelines in his creation and dissemination of memos he took after a handful of meetings with President Trump. The report did not, however, conclude that Comey leaked any classified materials, as he had been accused of doing for months by prominent conservatives. Comey himself took to Twitter to discuss the report, and emphasize its findings. Effectively, the inspector general’s team concluded that Comey may have violated rules of employment, but did not break any laws in doing so. 

Tom Thompaulsen, a Trump administration official, was seen heading into the White House this morning by pool reporters and agreed to answer a few questions about the OIG report.

Hurricane Dorian Makes Preemptive Strike Against U.S. Nuclear Arsenal

“First and foremost, let’s just say it out loud: Comey is clearly part of a deep state plot against a duly elected president,” Thompaulsen said, “and that plot basically was to help Hillary Clinton by forcing her to lose to Trump. Obviously this was so that they could then take down the president from within. And while the report may not say so specifically, I think there is one very obvious reason that Comey did what he did — he’s helping Crooked cover up her role in the Benghazi attack, period. I have zero so-called evidence to back this up, but I have a lot of feelings, and unlike libtard cuck feelings, my feelings matter.”

Mr. Thompaulsen says that despite the fact that Comey’s unprecedented decision to publicize an FBI investigation into former Secretary of State Clinton seemed to help Trump in the very late stages of the campaign, in fact that is further proof of the conspiracy against Trump.

“Of course that announcement hurt Hillary! Hurting Hillary’s chances was the best way to assure she lost so that Comey could take down the president,” Thompaulsen said frantically. “Why do you crazy enemies of the people in the press refuse to connect the dots? Sure, they’re on separate pages, and some of them aren’t even dots, but connect them you fools! The truth is right there, if you want to see it!”

Thompaulsen has a “pet theory” about why Comey and Clinton wanted to help each other.

“Well, obviously this report leads us to just one conclusion, and no, libtards, it’s not that Comey is effectively a whistleblower who broke no laws trying to warn the country that they have a corrupt egomaniac behind the wheel,” Thompausel said, “it leads us to the conclusion that Comey was the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Sure, he wasn’t that old when Kennedy was shot, but doesn’t that make him the perfect person for the job?! They’d never suspect a kid who wasn’t quite three years old! Clearly Clinton and Comey are on the same team because they’re both secret, cold blooded assassins who can’t keep their secret that well if it’s been exposed for the last several decades, right? Of course I’m right!”

Mr. Comey and Ms. Clinton could not be reached for comment.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg: “Cancer Can’t Make Me Resign Until It Leaves The Oval Office First”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
Must Read


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Latest News

God Apologizes For Not Telling Everyone About His Great Replacement Project Sooner

After a white supremacist gunman's killing spree in Buffalo, New York over the weekend revealed the shooter's manifesto included...

More Articles Like This