WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is reportedly in a state of anger and disbelief, outraged that his attorney general released a redacted version of the Mueller Report to the public without having removed the recipe to his family’s trademark snake oil.
“Damn it Bill,” sources say Trump could be heard screaming at Attorney General William Barr early this morning, “my family has been getting rich on that snake oil’s lies — ahem, promises — for decades. It’s as closely guarded a secret as the Colonel’s original recipe’s 11 herbs and spices. And don’t think just because I’m about to chop up and snort a KFC chicken breast right here, right now, that I’m not still hopping mad at you, Bill!”
As President Trump metiuclously turned his chicken into a fine powder using a razor blade, he continued to scream at Barr.
“It’s just, you know, Bill, you done a reall good job with the other stuff in the report, Bill. Don’t get me wrong,” Trump said, arranging the chopped up, powderized chicken into neat lines on the Resolute Desk. “You done real nice with the obstruction call. No way that Kiebler-lookin’ motherfucker Sessionsw would’ve even been that brazen. I like a whole lot how you don’t give a fuck how obvious the cover-up is, Bill. An autocrat has got to have his enablers, and Bill my guy, you are certainly enabling the living dick out of me these days, aintcha?”
Placing his right indext finger over his right nostril, the president reportedly placed his entire left nostril on the desk, just centimeters from the first line of chicken. With Herculean effort, Trump inhaled and aides say it sounded like a Dyson fucking an elephant in the Oval Office for a good, solid, twenty seconds or more. When the chicken drip hit the back of Trump’s sinus passages, he threw his head back in sheer ecstasy.
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But he still had business to attend to.
“Look, Bill, I like you, okay? I like you a lot. Not as much as I like other people, you understand. Because a lot of people haven’t been Dumb-Dumb McStupidfucks and given away my snake oil recipe,” Trump said. “Man, for years we’ve been playing the part of the super-successful billionaire family on TV and shit. That’s how we got The Apprentice. They wouldn’t make a show called The Likely Russian Mob Connected Broke-Ass Trust Fund Racist. I know, I asked, so don’t be a smart ass, okay Bill?”
Trump didn’t give Barr a chance to reply. He just barelled onward. Trump did another chicken bump. Letting out a howl like a werewolf, Trump snapped his fingers and sniffed them.
“We’ve been hoodwinking people the whole time I’ve been president too, Bill,” Trump said. “But because you fucked-up the redactions, now everyone knows the secret ingredient, Bill!”
Trump farted. He turned to his left and chastised Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
“And look, I’m gonna keep fucking that confederate flag and squeezing my seed into the mixers, but it might be time to pass the torch to one of my mongolodial male offspring,” Trump said. “It’s starting tot ake a lot more out of me than it used to. Anyway, I forgive you, Bill, I do. You’ve been very loyal to me and it’s nice to know there are other people who pretend to care about the Constiution but really just love to be dominated like a little, cowed bitch out there still, Bill.”
The Department of Justice and White House declined to be interviewed for this story because we sorta forgot to ask them.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.