LONDON, ENGLAND — Queen Elizabeth was sitting on her throne, speaking with various aides and assistants while watching CNN this morning when none other than President Donald Trump arrived with his entourage. Upon seeing the programming on the Queen’s massive 156-inch LED screen, encrusted in diamonds and emeralds and lined with the finest of furs, reports are that he let out a howl like his staffers had never heard before.
“WHAT IN THE HOLY LIVING HELL IS GOING ON HERE, QUEENIE?! I FEEL PERSONALLY ATTACKED,” Trump said, stabbing an angry, if not miniscule, finger at the 93-year-old queen. “You may be the Queen of this country, but I demand to be treated like the king my mommy and daddy always told me I’d be one day!”
Trump immediately began demanding that the Queen change the channel. She simply smiled, but politely told him she would not be changing the channel.
“Oh, I’m terribly sorry Mr. President, but I’m afraid I have to ask you to kindly go fuck yourself,” Queen Elizabeth told Trump. “And I must, with all the respect I can surely muster, remind you that you have no powers here. Also, and this is just between you and me, Mr. President, but you smell like treason and Borscht, and frankly more than a little bit like Russian whore piss, if I’m being honest. Terribly sorry to be the bearer of such bad news, Mr. President.”
President Trump tried doing the one thing that has always worked for him, whenever he wasn’t getting his way. He began stamping his feet, jumping up and down. He shouted at the queen that he wanted the channel changed. Again, Queen Elizabeth firmly, but politely, rebuffed President Trump.
“Again, I offer my sincerest regrets, Mr. President, but I cannot and will not capitulate to your demands. You see, unlike the lovely folks you’ve surrounded yourself with, I’ve never enjoyed the taste of toadstools, so I won’t be doing anything you demand of me,” Queen Elizabeth said. “Again, no disrespect intended, but I must remind you to go eat all of the bags of dicks in all of my kingdom, Mr. President.”
For a solid fifteen minutes, President Trump rolled around on the floor, flailing and flopping. Tears were streaming down his big cheeks. Everyone in the room tried to look away out of compassion for him, but like a train wreck, they simply couldn’t divert their eyes.
“CHANGE THE CHANNEL! CHANGE THE CHANNEL! I WANT YOU TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL,” Trump was shouting over and over and over again. “YOU HAVE TO! IT’S IN THE RULES! YOU HAVE TO DO WHATEVER I SAY BECAUSE I AM PRES-O-DENT!”
Queen Elizabeth looked at the heaving, sobbing mess on the floor and simply smiled a polite smile.
“Now, now Mr. Barely President. You can’t bully or tantrum yourself into getting what you want,” the queen explained. “I’m not Mitch McConnell. So, again, I say this with all the care I can muster, go play in traffic you fat, lying, racist, amoral, corrupt, dumb, inept, highly impeachable fucking cunt.”
The queen stuck her right hand out at the president and extended a peace sign as Americans would recognize it, but with her wrist turned so her palm was facing her instead of Trump.
“Would someone please get this sack of orange diarrhea out of my throne room, please? I never miss Anderson Cooper 360,” the queen said.
At the time of reporting, Trump’s cries could still be heard piercing the London air.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.