Friday, January 27, 2023

Trump Demands Paul Ryan Institute Electoral College Rules For 2018 Midterm Results

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump, having taken in the whole breadth and scope of the 2018 mid-term election results, has sent a “high urgency, bigly important” notice to outgoing Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI), demanding that he institute what Trump called “Electoral College rules” for all House races. 

The result, Trump posits, would show not only a lack of Democratic takeover in the House, but it would result in net gains for the GOP instead. 

“Paul, it’s come to my attention that you’re about to make a very grave, bigly, and terribly mistake,” Trump’s presidential decree reads. “Call me crazy, but I believe that in this country we let the people who got fewer votes win, do we not? I am president, am I not? Correct me if I’m wrong, but winners aren’t winners in our elections, Fam.”

In his letter, Trump questions the validity of “any election Republicans don’t win.” But in particular, Trump believes that any election result that could reflect poorly on him is “fake news” and “should be thrown out.” The president says he often “wonder[s] just how smart the Constitution is” if it’s written in such a way where peoples votes are counted and the highest totals win.

“We all know democracy is mob rule,” Trump writes. “At least when Republicans lose the popular vote. Otherwise, of course, it’s totally normal and fine. The bottom line here though, is that we have to question the validity of any election we don’t win, for the good of the country.”

President Trump says that “time is of the slut-most” and that Ryan needs to “shit or get off the Twitter throne” and decide whether he will institute Electoral College rules for House races ex post facto. There is no possible way that what he is suggesting is valid, or legal, but several prominent Republicans have already shrugged pretty hard at reporters. Still, soon to be Former Speaker Ryan has already tossed cold water on the idea, while leaving the door open for future elections.

“That’s an absolutely crazy idea and we won’t be doing that,” Ryan told reporters. “We can’t do that after votes are cast. But the president brings up some very valid questions, and we all have to ask ourselves just how much we want this government of the people, by the people, and for the people to be decided by the people.”

This is a developing story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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