Friday, March 31, 2023

Trump Claims Pfizer and Moderna ‘Had Never Even Heard of Vaccines’ Until He Told Them to Make One

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Since the end of 2019, the entire planet has been trying to work around and fight against the novel coronavirus, or COVID-19. A global pandemic outbreak has rattled the global economy and in the United States in particular, a lame duck president seems to have become even less interested in formulating a workable strategy, after his administration’s response still saw nearly a quarter million Americans die from complications surrounding the disease, and as cases start a winter spike that health experts warned would be in the offing if their social distancing and masking guidelines weren’t followed by enough of the general public.

One thing that could help bring back some semblance of what life looked like before the pandemic would be the development of a vaccine, or even better, multiple vaccines. Medical researchers around the world have been diligently working to develop such a vaccine, and in the days after the November 3rd election, two companies — Pfizer and Moderna — announced their vaccines were over 90% effective and entering important final stages of testing.

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Outgoing President Trump wasted no time taking credit for Moderna’s announcement. This should come as little surprise to readers who remember that last week the Trump administration took large amounts of credit for Pfizer’s vaccine, despite the pharmaceutical giant saying they were not a part of “Operation Warpspeed” and didn’t rely on it for funding their research. In a tweet today, Trump implored “historians” to “remember” that the vaccines were developed on his “watch.”

With his chances for pulling out a miracle and winning the election fading with every vote counted and every lawsuit he files dismissed, Trump can’t be blamed for wanting to salvage at least some of his ego. Perhaps because of this desire to spin developments over the last few days in a positive light, Trump agreed to an interview on Newsmax TV today, and during the interview, he took his attempt to take credit for the potential covid-19 vaccine even further.

“The mainstream enemies of the people will never report this, because they just can’t let me win anything, but,” Trump insisted to reporters today, “it was pretty much idea to even do vaccines. You know that? Before me, nobody had even heard of them. Then, one day, we’re talking about the GYNA VIRUS, and I say to everyone, ‘Hey, what about some kind of, I don’t know, vaccine, or something?’ And you should’ve seen the looks on all those science nerds’ faces!”

Trump further claimed that he gave the idea for vaccination to Moderna and Pfizer.

“It’s true! This is all as true as me seeing sixteen trillion illegal Mexicans voting in Arizona, personally,” Trump shouted. “Those punk-asses had never even heard of vaccines until I told them to make one! They were just gonna try to give everyone an aspirin or something! I swear! WHY WOULD I EVER, EVER LIE TO YOU, MY BEAUTIFUL MAGAS?!”

ALSO: Democratic Operative Regrets Rigging Election for Mitch McConnell to Retain Senate Control

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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