WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump told reporters today that if former First Lady Michelle Obama decided to enter the 2020 presidential race, he would exit it.
“I wouldn’t even wait for her to finish her speech,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office today, “I’d pack up my shit and vacate the premises right there. Hell, I probably wouldn’t even go through the primaries. I’d walk right out that door, rip a juicy one, and board a plane for an island controlled by a comrade somewhere.”
Rumors on the Hill are that Mr. Trump might think that Mrs. Obama is considering a run because of comments made on MSNBC recently by Michael Moore. In order to “crush” Trump, which Moore says is vital, none of the candidates that are currently vying for the Democratic nomination would have the walloping power that Michelle Obama has, he argued. Sources close to the White House say the president was shown a clip of Moore’s prediction and it sent him into full panic.
“He started sweating and swearing and eating fried chicken by the tiny fistful,” one staffer told us under condition of anonymity. “He seemed really nervous at the idea of having to face Michelle Obama in an election for some reason.”
According to another source, Trump fears Mrs. Obama because she’s a “strong, powerful woman of color he couldn’t bully and nickname and insult.” Trump made his political career out of a racist trope about Mrs. Obama’s husband. The president, while still Citizen Trump, led the charge as one of the most famous and notorious “Birthers.” Trump pushed the conspiracy theory that Obama was born in Kenya and his Hawaiian birth certificate is a phony.
“The president is quite aware of how much Michelle has a right to hate him with a passion over that birth certificate thing. He knows that she would roll him up like the empty hot water bottle that once held a gallon of steaming diarrhea that he is,” another source told us, “and drop kick him out of the White House. He’d still win the South, because duh, but it might be the biggest electoral bloodbath in history if he had to go up against Mrs. Obama.”
Though he hates her husband, Trump fears Michelle Obama “like a cow fears the farmer’s shotgun.”
“He knows she’s smarter and tougher than anyone else on that stage during the debates,” one aide said, “He just he’d lose so badly to Michelle he’d never live it down. Being scared is nothing new to him; he once shit his pants because he heard himself fart. His fear of Michelle is primal though. She makes his id feel stupid.”
There are some among Trump’s inner circle who are not worried about facing Michelle Obama in the election.
“Stephen Miller got this huge grin on his face when he heard the rumor about Mrs. Obama throwing her hat in the ring,” one of our sources told us via Skype. “He said something about being grateful he never threw out all those old racist joke books his grandracist on his mother’s side gave him as a birthday gift for about six years in a row.”
Mrs. Obama herself has not actually said anything about running, however Breitbart has already run fifteen stories exposing her alleged gender confirmation surgery, which was performed by Hillary Clinton in a bunker that’s owned by George Soros. It’s being reported that President Trump will ask Attorney General William Barr to investigate whether rumors of Michelle Obama running against him constitute a threat to the government strong enough to suspend next year’s election. He will also ask the Supreme Court about the legality of two “uppity, educated urbans from the same family” serving as president.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”