WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speaking to reporters on the south lawn of the White House on his way out to big up a deep fried hot dog and liverwurst sandwich, President Donald Trump told the press he watched the first night of Democratic primary debates last night. Mr. Trump offered his usual brand of tranchant erudition and critique of what he witnessed.
“A bunch of fuckin’ cucks, frankly. Libtarded, crazy, ANGRY BOB MUELLER LIFELONG REPUBLICAN BUT SOMEHOW STILL A DEMOCRAT cucks,” Trump insisted to reporters. “All bullshit. Just spewing total nonsense like facts and statistics based in reality, not cherry picked to draw a certain predetermined outcome by right-wing think tanks!”
There wasn’t a single candidate that Mr. Trump watched last night that he thinks he has anything to worry about.
“I think most real Americans, and by real I mean, you know, non-pigmented…less, shall we say, URBAN, Americans will see right through all this crazy socialism,” Trump said, “and vote for my agenda of tariffs that force us to turn farmers into welfare queens.”
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Trump is also positive the Republican Party has nothing to worry about.
“Not a single one of those candidates up there screamed about illegal Mexicans or the Deep State Angry Bob Mueller Democrat Coup,” Trump shouted even though everyone was within a couple feet of him, “so I don’t think they’ll be able to peel off any of my base on those fronts either. Hell, if just one of them bragged about a pussy they grabbed, or told an urban to go back where they came from, MAYBE I’d have something to worry about, but no one is gonna out-MAGA me, by God!”
President Trump is equally confident that someone else has nothing to worry about based on what he saw last night.
“Based on what I saw, I think President Putin has a strong chance against all of them,” Trump said. “Sleepy Joe, Pocahontas, Urban Man, Urban California Lady, the Crystal Voodoo Chakra one…none of them are remotely as strong as Putin is. Putin’s strong on illegal immigration, crime, drugs. You name it. Hell, he’s got my vote.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell when asked by reporters about Trump’s comments shrugged and kept penetrating a lump of coal with the fleshy mound of sadness he calls his genitals.
“I imagine that’s something that can be hashed out between the President of the United States and Donald Trump,” McConnell told reporters. “I don’t get involved in every labor dispute between employee and employer, do I?”
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