HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA — American record label U.S. Capitol Records announced this week that it will be teaming up with President Donald Trump to record and release a Christmas-themed single. The proceeds will go toward Trump’s favorite charity — Donald Trump’s bank account — and will sell for 99 cents on iTunes and other online music retailers. For the collaboration, U.S. Capitol says Trump will record a cover of a Bing Crosby classic, but with a “Trumpian twist.”
“White Power Christmas” will feature Trump’s vocals, Mike Huckabee on bass, Ann Coulter on drums with only white skins, and White House chief policy adviser Stephen Miller on the trumpet and singing backup racial epithets.
“I’m bigly honored by this,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office this morning, “and I can’t wait to get into the studio. I consider myself the Beatles of presidents, you know. In fact, very few people know this, but I actually was a Beatle for a short time. Then they got that kid with the rings, and well, the rest is history.”
U.S. Capitol has never teamed up with any political leaders before, but their announcement indicated they have the experience they need to make this collaboration a success.
“We’ve done novelty records with all kinds of D-List celebrities before,” the release states, “and Reality-TV stars are our specialty.”
The song’s lyrics will mostly stay the same, with the exception of a few, key phrases.
I’m dreaming of a white power Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
With no urbans uppity
And no one cared about LGBT
Hell no! Just the folks with skin as white as snow
There are plans for other charity singles to be released, should this first one do well enough with consumers. President Trump has reportedly assured record label executives that the economy, under his leadership, will be so strong that sales will be record breaking.
“I wouldn’t doubt it if this record we’re making is bigly. So bigly, in fact, it breaks sales records all over the place,” Trump said, “and in fact, I bet we even beat the pants off the sales of The Beatles. You know my former band, that I was totally in, and if you fact check me on that and try to prove I’m wrong or lying I will call you fake news and one of my doe-eyed sycophantic worshipers will come to you and shoot you, because he knows you are a tyrant.”
“White Power Christmas” will be on Wal-Mart and auto parts store shelves beginning Thanksgiving week.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.