Thursday, March 30, 2023

Trump Demands Betsy Ross Redesign American Flag

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump did not color the American flag wrong while visiting elementary school children, despite what widespread media reporting said to the contrary.

“I wasn’t coloring it wrong, I was redesigning it, so it was more betterer than the one we have right now,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office this morning. “And another thing, I have personally been in contact with the original designer and ordered her to create a new one, based on MY specifications. SO THERE!”

Confused reporters asked Trump how he managed to contact Betsy Ross.

“Who the fuck is Betsy Ross? Sounds like fake news,” Trump said. 

Reporters told Trump Ross was the woman who is credited with sewing the very first flag used by the United States. However, it was widely believed by historians that Ms. Ross had died in 1836. Trump waved off their questions.

“Don’t worry about how I did it, okay? Don’t go out there with your little pencils and little notebooks, doing what you call ‘journalism,’ but what real Americans call ‘being mean to Donny Trump,'” Trump said, the slightest hint of tears forming in his eyes. “Don’t go pointing out to people that what I said makes no sense, isn’t factual, and is just me lying to look good. You’re always picking on me! And quoting me verbatim! Stop that!”

For the next thirty minutes, Trump gave a treatise on why the news was “fake,” “phony,” and “downright mean.” He excoriated the press pool for not reporting on positive things he does every day like “brushes [his] teeth” and “wiping [his] own ass at every other Twitter session.” Once he was finished, the press was shown Trump’s coloring page again, this time with a big note scrawled in black marker on it. 


Republican Congressman Chick Hoodwehrer told reporters he thought changing the flag was a “fine idea” and “long overdue.” But was disappointed in Trump’s choice of design.

“I think the stars and bars, the ol’ confederate battle flag, woulda been the bestest choice,” Rep. Hoodwehrer told reporters. “But I suppose since he’s a Republican and I am to that means I gotta go along with this anyhow, so there you go.”

Ms. Ross was unavailable for comment.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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