WASHINGTON, D.C. — The failing Donald Trump re-election campaign has filed an emergency motion with the Supreme Court of the United States of America, asking the highest court in the country to dictate to all fifty states how to count the votes cast in the general election, held nearly three weeks ago.
“We call upon you, our great Supreme Court, to set aside any vote counts that have already been certified, and to insist, based on the rigid principles of Constitutional Originalism, that the all votes be recounted,” the legal brief requests, “using the Three-Fifths Compromise included in the original Constitution’s framework.”
The Three-Fifths Compromise, so-called because it forced the U.S. government to count enslaved black Americans as only three-fifths of a white person for the purpose of the census and congressional apportionment, is largely considered one of the most racist relics of the Revolutionary age in American history. Though it was stricken explicitly with the adoption of the 14th Amendment, Trump’s legal team is arguing that amendment should be “called null and void” by the Supreme Court.
“The whole reason Dear President put you lumps of shit on the bench is that you swore you’d act like nothing has happened between the 18th and 21st centuries,” Trump’s motion states, “and that you’d force Americans to live under a version of the Constitution that lives in that same alternate universe. We beseech you now, Justices Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, and Covid-Barrett. Do the jobs you were hired to do, and force these cuck-ish states to count the votes the way our racist, slave holding founders would want them to.”
In addition to holding Trump’s newly placed justices accountable to their professed belief in constitutional originalism, his legal team argues that the Supreme Court “simply must take the hurt feelings of millions of MAGAs” into account before ruling on whether the election “should be allowed to stand.”
“If you do not set aside these results, you will be hurting the feelings of dozens of millions of Americans,” the legal brief argues, “and these are people who aren’t used to acknowledging feelings, so you can imagine the heartbreak they are feeling. The court simply must take the hurt feelings of millions of MAGAs into account before rendering decision.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.