Friday, January 27, 2023

Racist, Lying Little Man With Tiny Hands, Mushroom Penis, and Bad Spray Tan That Pays Women To Pee On Him While He Fantasizes About Fucking His Own Daughter Can’t Understand Why Anyone Would Laugh At Him

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President Trump just doesn’t understand why anyone would ever laugh at his expense, sources close to the most powerful man in the free world, but he won’t rest until he finds out why.

“Why did they laugh at me, Ivanka? Why,” Trump was overheard howling to his daughter in the White House master bedroom early this morning. “Is it because I’m TOO powerful? TOO successful? Is this just jealousy Vanky Baby?”

No one was quite able to discern what the First Daughter said to her father, but it didn’t seem to calm his fears.

“Well, what is it then, babe? I don’t get it,” Trump said. 

Trump must have pressed his special button in the bedroom, because staff saw an aide rushing a bucket of KFC and a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke upstairs. Trump calls the meal his “thinking fuel.” After placing the food on a bedside table, Trump started scratching his chins, and thinking aloud

“No one has any reason to laugh at me, or mock, me or ridicule me,” Trump said, flipping through a scrapbook of his first year in office and stopping on a picture of him, with his son whatever his name is, and his wife, Not Ivanka, all on a White House balcony as the president stared right at a solar eclipse. “I know it’s not my totally normal hands, my totally regular obsession with you, my daughter, or my absolutely average, if not bigly yuge dong-wanger. So what could it be?”

The president paused, a look of confusion on his face. Ivanka started to worry herself, but then Trump farted and declared he had another thought to let out.

“I have never, ever done anything, or comported myself in any way, that is worthy of being mocked or laughed at,” Trump said as he flipped the scrapbook to the page that had a picture of himself on Air Force One, denying that he even know who Stormy Daniels was, much less how or why his attorney paid her six figures to stay quiet about a sexual encounter with him. “Oh man, those were good times. Before everyone knew about my dong.”

Another pause.

“Some days I wish you were still the one with the best knowledge of my dong shape and dimensions,” Trump said, “and again, I have never said or done anything publicly that would compel a bunch of people to think of me as some buffoonish moron who lucked into this amazing job.”

As Trump left the bedroom to start his daily routine of tweeting angrily and increasing the number of Angry Democrats on the Mueller probe, he turned back and saw that he’d left the TV on overnight again. It had become part of his regimen lately to fall asleep watching old videos of himself on TV during the 1980’s, 1990’s, and early 2000’s. Playing on the TV was an episode of Saturday Night Live that he hosted.

“See? Hardly anyone was laughing then, and I was telling jokes! So I don’t get what those U.N. people’s problems were,” Trump said, sniffling. “But I’ll show ’em! I’ll show ’em good! As long as Vlad says I can show ’em!”

This is a developing story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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