Thursday, March 30, 2023

Donald Trump Stump Speech Breaks Out At Klan Rally

LAKE CHINGANDOS, FLORIDA — At a recent Klan rally in Florida, a spontaneous show of support for President Donald J. Trump came to fruition. Eye witnesses would later recount to reporters that seemingly out of nowhere, a gathering of the Ku Klux Klan turned into a full-blown MAGA rally. Sources say local authorities were unsure what to do about the situation, as from an outsider’s perspective, it was impossible to determine who was there to plan white nationalist domestic terror, and who was there to do klan stuff.

“I mean, you play me a Trump speech and then you play me a speech from a Grand Wizard,” Sheriff Catherine McSkizzleby told reporters, “and I’m not going to be able to tell you who’s who. I don’t blame our brave deputies for taking a step back and trying to assess whether they were looking at a meeting of a dangerous, violent, bigoted group of racists or if it was a klan rally.”

Even the klansman who were in attendance seemed taken aback at how quickly the meeting turned from a discussion of trying to keep America white to a rally demanding to keep America white.

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“We were just standing around, getting ready to light a cross, when all of a sudden, Trump appears at the podium, and starts talking to us about how we can make America great again,” said Tommy Garrison, who is the Grand Imperial Wizard of the Florida chapter of the Ku Klux Klan. “It was the damndest thing. There we were, about to set fire to a symbol of racially-motivated terrorism, hatred, and violence, and who should appear but the most openly racist president our good, clean, white messiah Jefferson Davis!”

One klansman in attendance described a feeling of “surprise and pride” that Trump would show up at their rally.

“Most politicians disavow any connection to racist violence,” the klansman said, “even if they help craft policies that effectively hurt one race over the other. But Trump clearly is willing to at least openly court us, and that says a lot about him as a person, if you ask me.” T

he klansman, speaking on condition of anonymity said that he was “definitely going to continue supporting Trump” in next year’s election because the alleged business tycoon and former reality-TV star “obviously gets what Americans are most afraid of — a silent Mexican invasion from the South.”

“What I love about Trump is that he tells it like it is,” Wizard Garrison told the press after the impromptu Trump rally, “even if how he’s telling it isn’t exactly true.”

Garrison said he knew as soon as Trump referred to Mexican immigrants as mostly being “rapists,” “killers,” and “drug dealers” that he was the one Garrison wanted to be president “more than any other man” in his lifetime. Garrison told reporters that he was “tired of all the wishy-washy, dog whistle racism of the GOP” and wanted to stop “pussy footin’ around with the uppity blacks who think they’re still entitled to equal treatment under the law.”

Stan Carroll, a member of the Klan for twenty years, said he is still skeptical of Trump.

“Oh sure, he’s shown a certain unrepentant disdain for Mexicans,” Carroll said, “but what has he said about the black? The gay? The Jew?”

Carroll said that until he hears Trump’s stances on all the “heathen variant-skinned mongrels” he can only tepidly endorse the super-wealthy man who has curried favor of both major parties through campaign donations in the past.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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