WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has yet another potential scandal brewing involving former Ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch.
In a report first published by ABC News, President Trump was apparently recorded telling several people that he wanted Yovanovitch fired. But what makes this recording so potentially damaging was the language he used about Ms. Yovanovitch. Trump said “take her out,” perhaps in reference to firing her, however many have noted that is the language of mafia kings when they’re ordering a hit on someone’s life. The recordings were made in 2018, approximately a year before Yovanovitch was fired. Trump has maintained he doesn’t know Lev Parnas, an indicted conspirator and associate of Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani, but Parnas is on the tape released today.
“Get rid of her!” is what the voice that appears to be Trump’s is heard saying. “Get her out tomorrow. I don’t care. Get her out tomorrow. Take her out. OK? Do it.” (ABC News)
Ambassador Yovanovitch is one of the key figures central to the articles of impeachment against Trump, currently being tried in the U.S. Senate. Trump’s acquittal is all but assured, given that congressional medical staff have yet to identify any vertebrate Republicans willing to hear witnesses, let alone open to convicting Trump on the charges he abused the powers of his office and obstructed constitutional congressional oversight. However, it’s also an election year, and it’s just as assured that Trump’s political rivals will use any and all negative stories against him.
Cruz: “You Know What? My Wife Is An Ugly She-Beast. My Dad Did Try To Kill JFK. Trump Is Totally Innocent.”
Perhaps to get out in front of the growing controversy, President Trump stormed out onto the White House lawn and yelled at reporters for half an hour. Trump defended his comments, saying that the “fake news, Bob Mueller’s 12.5 million Angry Democrat lamestream socialists” reports of his comments are being taken “completely out of contracts.” Source say he probably meant to say “context,” but was either too hopped-up on adderall or was having an episode of cranial flatulence.
“For starters, let me just play my greatest hits: CROOKED H, NO COLLUSION, SLEEPY JOE, NEVER TRUMPERS,” Trump shouted, “FAKE NEWS, ROCKET MAN, CRAZY BERNIE, AOC PLUS THREE, CRAZY NERVOUS NANCY, CRYIN’ CHUCK!”
Fifteen minutes passed as Trump listed some of the more common insults and phrases he’s liked to use over the past three years. Finally, it seemed he was out of steam. Trump reached into one coat pocket and pulled out a couple of adderall pills. He smashed them with a key in his pocket, and then snorted the powder off the key. Then, Trump continued.
“Everyone’s got the wrong idea about that tape,” Trump said. “I didn’t say what you think I said!”
A reporter asked if Trump was denying that he said “take her out.” Trump laughed extremely hard. He laughed so hard, in fact, that he farted, and reflexively looked around for Sarah Huckabee Sanders to blame the fart on, but she was nowhere to be found. Frowning, Trump explained himself.
“No, by dear enemy of the people, I said it. What kind of idiot would deny he said something when it’s on tape,” Trump asked. “DON’T ANSWER THAT! The point is, yes, I said it. I totally said. Of course I said it. But I didn’t mean anything bad or evil was going to happen to her. I meant, take her out for hamberders and covfefe! Everyone knows how much I love a nice, juice berder and washing it down with a piping hot cup of covfefe, or even iced covfefe in the summer months!”
President Trump explained that he’s come to “really enjoy” feeding his guests the “finest slop found in America’s nicest drive through windows.” He admitted that he was very angry with Yovanovitch for not “bending the knee” and “kissing his brown ring,” but that he would never order someone’s execution.
“I mean, unless Bill Barr says I can do that, because of you know, Article 2 or whatever,” Trump said. “You know what, I need to go make a phone call to Bill Barr. This has been fun. For you. To talk to me. Your Lord God Emperor President. You should feel honored and privileged. No, really, by law you have be honored and privileged to talk to me. Goodbye, cucks.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.