WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump sent a letter to the House of Representatives’ Democratic caucus today, advising them that “due to unforeseen and tragic events where the Naked Ladies Dance,” the White House could not and would not be furnishing any of his tax returns to oversight committees requesting them.
“Dear Dummy Democrats and, of course, MY Beautifully Loyal Republicans,” Trump’s letter opens, “I regret to inform you that due to unforeseen and tragic events where the Naked Ladies Dance, I am going to be unable to provide you with my tax returns. Ever. Like, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. EVER. So stop asking, cucks.”
The president writes that he was all set to give the order to his staff to release his tax returns to the oversight committee that requested them. However, that’s when he turned on the TV. Seeing the flames rise from the cathedral at Notre Dame made “something click” in his head, Trump writes.
“All of a sudden, I’m watching the fires engulf the building, and it made something click,” Trump wrote. “I asked Sarah Huckabee Sanders if that was THE Notre Dame in France, and she said it was. I turned to her and shouted, ‘Aww, bummer! My tax returns were in Notre Dame!”
It’s unclear exactly why the vault at Notre Dame was holding Trump’s tax returns. His letter doesn’t state clearly why they were there in the first place. In fact, Trump writes that “anyone who tries to dig too much into this story” is an “unpatriotic, America hating Democrat,” and he is considering “opening up the treason laws” to have them executed for questioning any aspects of his story.
“The bottom line is that I was totally, 100% going to give you my tax returns, today even! But that stupid fire had to break out in that church over there,” Trump writes. “So take it up with the France-ians, or whatever they’re called.”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi told reporters on her way to the dry cleaners today that she is “once again, shocked and outraged” by what Trump is saying and doing. She stopped short, however, of supporting any effort to impeach him.
“Look, we’re going into an election next year. Why would we do something that might energize our base, and show them we’re not just cynically playing the political waiting game, biding our time until we get automatically swept into power,” Pelosi asked rhetorically. “Sure, real people are hurt every single day by this cavalcade of thieving, corrupt kleptocrats. But, and I ask this with all sincerity, what should we Democrats do about it? Grow a spine? Draft articles of impeachment to at least signal to the American people that we value the country more than we value our political careers? Pffffft.”
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.