WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald John Trump was given an unlabeled photograph of his family by Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. Mr. Pompeo was bringing the photo to President Trump for an autograph, after which he intended to have it framed and sent to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un with a personalized message. Pompeo reportedly was hoping the photo would spark up dialogue between the U.S. and North Korea again, as diplomacy has stalled between the two nations.
“What am I doing with this photo of a bunch of randoms and me, Mike? I don’t get it,” Trump said as Pompeo handed him the picture. “Am I supposed to be autographing this? I must say, I’ve signed, probably, six or eight, maybe ten billion photographs for my loving and adoring public before, but I’ve never been asked to sign a photo of myself with a bunch of assholes I don’t even recognize. Being president sure is weird sometimes, Mike.”
Pompeo explained he was asking Trump to sign the photo for Kim Jong-un.
“Oh, my ol’ pal Kimmy? Not a problem. Not a problem. I’ll sign it, even though I don’t recognize a single person in this photograph other than the particularly sveldt, handsome gentleman with a full head of normal hair, regular sized hands, and a totally normal set of genitals,” Trump said. “Obviously that’s me. But the rest of these inbred-looking dipshits? Not a clue.”
Trump began signing the photo. As he scrawled his name on it, Trump stopped and pointed at his namesake, Donald Trump Jr. The president let out a loud belly laugh.
“Woah. That is one pug ugly motherfucker right there. He looks like he’s got that disease I read about, what’s it called,” Trump snapped his fingers before thinking of it, “oh right! Chronic Jizz Face. He looks like he’s always getting a hot load to the face he wasn’t expecting.”
Next, Trump’s eyes fell to his second oldest son, Eric. For a moment, Trump thought he might actually know who it was. He quickly realized, though, that he didn’t.
“What’s Gary Bussey’s son doing hanging out with all these other total losers except me? That’s weird,” Trump said before an aide told him it wasn’t actor Gary Bussey’s son after all. “Oh, it’s…it’s not? Weird. Looks a lot like Bussey. I feel bad for the poor schmuck whose son that is, because I can almost promise you Bussey fucked his wife. Anyway, back to signing.”
Trump came to his daughter Tiffany.
“No clue,” he said, shaking his head. “No clue at all.”
President Trump stopped signing a second time when his eyes met another blonde in the photo. He let out a long whistle, and started stroking the photograph in a suggestive manner. The president said he suddenly felt a strong tightening in the crotch of his trousers.
“Who’s that really hot blonde one, though? She looks bangable as hell to me,” Trump said, jabbing his finger at Ivanka. “She looks fuckin’ hot as fuck, if I can be so presidential as to say out loud. I would totally fuck that one. Maybe get me her number, Mike?”
Secretary Pompeo said he’d see what he could do about getting the president Ivanka’s number. Shaking his head as he left, Pompeo said he’d get the photo off to Kim Jong-un as quickly as he could, and thanks the president for his time.
“No problem, Mike. No problem. Still don’t get why all those randoms had to be in the photo with me,” Trump said, “but you know these things better than I do. Well, no you don’t. No one knows anything better than me. But really, Mike, get me that hot blonde’s contact info. She seems like she could use a little Trump in her. I mean…not little YUGE. YUGE OR AT LEAST VERY NORMAL.”
Cruz: “You Know What? My Wife Is An Ugly She-Beast. My Dad Did Try To Kill JFK. Trump Is Totally Innocent.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.