Thursday, June 8, 2023

Trump Promises to Write MAGA Bomber Every Day He’s in Prison

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last year, Cesar Sayoc sent pipe bombs to over a dozen prominent Democrats. Mr. Sayoc was eventually caught after an intense manhunt in his white van, which was famously plastered with bumper stickers and signage that signalled his adoration and support of President Donald Trump. Sayoc was hence dubbed, “The MAGA Bomber.”

Sayoc sent 16 improvised explosive devices (IEDs) to 13 targets over two weeks last October, according to court documents obtained by CNN. His targets included former President Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Sens. Cory Booker and Kamala Harris, actor Robert De Niro and major Democratic donors like George Soros and Tom Steyer. None of the devices detonated, and no one was injured. (CNN)

This week, the MAGA Bomber received a 20 year jail sentence for his crimes. In court, Mr. Sayoc apologized for his deeds, and the judge acknowledged that the devices he sent to his intended victims weren’t configured in such a way to actually explode. The judge believed he failed to make working bombs intentionally, and sentenced him to 20 years in prison, though Sayoc could have been put behind bars for life. Mr. Sayoc indicated in court that he was not sober or in a clear headed frame of mind when he was sending his bombs to Democrats.

“Now that I am a sober man, I know I was a very sick man. I should have listened to my mother, the love of my life. She told me to get help,” he told the court.

Sayoc was one of a handful of men who have been arrested and charged with either committing and or attempting to commit acts of mass violence and terrorism, after having been inspired at least in part by President Trump’s rhetoric. A white supremacist gunman in El Paso, Texas terrorized citizens with an AK-47 on his murderous rampage. Many feel Trump’s inability to quell the fires of white nationalism among his base is to blame at least in part for the rise in white supremacist violence since his taking office. At a rally in Florida this year, Trump laughed when a man in the crowd suggested shooting people who enter the country illegally.

Word out of the White House is that the president is taking the news of Sayoc’s sentencing personally and not all that well. One aide said Trump seems “sad and depressed.” Another aide said Trump had expressed to several staffers how much he’ll miss Sayoc and he plans to keep their relationship as strong as possible during Sayoc’s sentence. Just after his second lunch break of the day yesterday, Mr. Trump called Sayoc personally.

“Cesar my dude! How’s it hangin’? Hey, look, they told me about your sentence, and I’m really down about it,” Trump said. “I’m going to miss you. Hell, we’re all gonna miss you! Very few people have the dedication to the MAGA agenda that you do, and frankly we could use more loyal people like you around these parts, let me tell you.”

Trump heaped effusive praise on Sayoc, who he called a “mislabeled, mistreated victim of the FAKE NEWS TRUMP HATERS.”

“You’re a patriot, Cesar, and I like that about you. I’ll never forget you. Ever,” Trump insisted, “and I won’t let prison keep us apart, Cesar! I just won’t!”

Sayoc thanked Trump for the kind words, but said he was truly very sorry for what he’d done.

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“NEVER APOLOGIZE, CESAR! That’s how they get you, the FAKE NEWS. They cuck you,” Trump told Sayoc, “and I won’t let you be cucked, Cesar. I want to be buds. I want to pals for life with you. Because you’ve shown me true loyalty, and loyalty to your country, of course. But, mostly loyalty to me, and that is most important.”

Once more, Sayoc thanked Trump for his kindness, but told him he couldn’t let himself be proud of what he’d done any longer.

“Okay, it’s your choice, Cesar. But I’m still going to write you, every single day, a new letter each day,” Trump promised. “Because I care, so much, about you and our relationship, Cesar. MAGA needs you, Cesar. So I’m going to write you a letter every day, and I’ve already had my staff go out and buy all the crayons and construction paper I’d need to write you the bestest letters ever!”

Sayoc thanked Trump once more and told him he had to end the conversation.

“So long Cesar, be sure to write me back, okay? Who knows, maybe I can just pardon you and make you our postmaster general since you clearly already know so much about our postal service,” Trump said, “but we’ll see about that. For now, just take care of yourself, and remember this — no matter how low you feel…I’m still president! That should always cheer you up. No. I’m serious. It always has to cheer you up or you have to be in jail for more longer…it’s the law…that I just made up…BECAUSE I’M PRESIDENT!”

Another Story: Trump Says That He Misses Blaming His Farts On Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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