WASHINGTON, D.C. — The issue of whether or not President Donald J. Trump is a racist man has clearly started to get under his skin. Trump spent much of the weekend retweeting black conservatives and others who seemed eager to jump to his defense and point out ways he’s at least slightly less racist than some take him to be. Reportedly, however, even retweeting people like the intellectual heavyweights Diamond and Silk wasn’t enough to lift the cloud of accused racism from over the alleged billionaire’s head.
Sources within the White House are telling various media outlets that this morning President Trump ordered his white nationalism adviser Stephen Miller to go into his private archives and retrieve the Kenyan copy of former President Barack Obama’s birth certificate for him.
“I bought it off a guy for a song, too,” Trump explained to Miller as the latter was hurrying out the door on a mission for his boss, “Some guy told me it’s real, and I believe him because I want to believe him. Just like when people tell me I’m a good, effective leader, or have normal sized hands and regular genitals. If it sounds to good to be true, typically, I’ve always believed it. Why? Some call me dumb, or stupid, or not qualified because my parents were morons who taught me to be a moron and papered over my moronic misdeeds with their money. Wait. What was I saying?”
Miller reminded Trump about the errand to retrieve Obama’s alleged Kenyan birth certificate.
“Ah, right, thanks Stephen. Now, go, and bring it back, quickly,” Trump ordered.
Within a matter of a couple of hours, Mr. Miller had returned with what was supposed to be a Kenyan birth certificate. However, for some not in the Trump inner circle, it might have looked more like a napkin that Donald Trump Jr. had crudely drawn racist stick figures and scrawled Obama’s name on. Trump smiled as Miller brought it into the room.
“There it is! They most important possession in my collection! Paid a pretty penny for it it, too. But it’s worth it. So obviously authentic,” Trump said, smiling ear to ear, “and if anyone knows about authenticity and something being genuine, it’s the guy who pretended to fire celebrities who fake worked for his fake company on reality-TV. Or the guy who pretended to be his own publicist so he could get better stories written about him in the tabloids.”
Miller handed the piece of paper over to Trump. The president removed his “fanciest signing crayon” from the box, and began dragging his fist, crayon in it, over the paper. He narrated what he wrote, like a school child, slowly, deliberately.
“Dear Everyone,” Trump half-yelled as he scribbled, “I am not racist! Stop saying I’m racist! I just like white people and feel more comfortable around them, and want to help advance an agenda where we purposefully keep them dominant because they’re white. If that’s racist, then I don’t want to live in America anymore. Please stop calling me racist. Signed, YOUR FAVORITE PRES-O-DENT…DONALD…J…TRUMMMMP.”
After scratching out the extra “M’s” at the end of the letter, Trump handed it off to Miller.
“I want you to mail this to those uppity urbans who are still acting all butt hurt just because I said they should be executed even though they didn’t actually kill anybody,” Trump said, “The Central Park 5. It’s time to put this whole thing to bed. If they come and tell everyone I’m not racist, because I thought they should be put to death, basically, because they were black and I thought they LOOKED guilty, then we can finally end all this talk about whether I’m racist or not.”
Just then, an aide brought an old, tattered, confederate flag into the Oval Office. Trump began to tear up. He felt a strong emotional connection to the flag.
“That’s my mama! That’s my mama,” Trump shouted. “You found my mama! You found the confederate flag that my daddy fucked and made me with! Incredible! Simply incredible! Than you!”
At the time of publication, Trump was in the Oval Office, soothing himself with the confederate flag that birthed him over 70 years ago.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”