WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though it’s still more than a year and a half away, President Donald Trump appears to be already jockeying for position in the 2020 presidential campaign. Over the last few weeks, he has stepped up his attacks on the Democratic Party, fueled by the fact that they control the House of Representatives and have now subpoena’d his tax records, and have authorized a subpoena for the Mueller Report, should it prove necessary.
During the 2016 campaign, repealing and replacing the Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare, was a central plank in Trump’s platform. However, in the two years that his party controlled all three branches of government, he couldn’t make good on that promise. The late Sen. John McCain famously torpedoed the best chance the GOP and Trump had with a literal last second thumbs-down vote.
In recent weeks, Trump has teased that his party is working on its own healthcare reforms, which he has dubbed as, “Trumpcare.” However, after Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell took the coke spoon out of his nose long enough to tell Trump the Senate would not be taking up the Affordable Care Act’s repeal or replacement any time soon, Trump backpedaled, and announced that after the election, the Republican plan would be revealed.
Today, though, President Trump decided he wanted to announce that he and his fellow Republicans had already come up with a key provision in Trumpcare — coverage for medical conditions that people do not have, and that do not exist.
“All the angry, unhinged, pro-baby murder, open border DEMOCRATS want to talk about are pre-existing conditions,” Trump mused, “but why don’t we talk about something that I feel is much more important? Non-existing conditions.”
Trump, sensing perhaps that people not understand, explained.
“It’s one thing to make sure people who have had cancer, HIV, or diabetes still can get health insurance, but what if they had wind turbine cancer? Would Obamacare cover wind cancer,” Trump asked incredulously. “I think not. But my TrumpCare will! It will also cover Bowling Green Syndrome, late stage and early onset Birtherism, and neoconfederatism. All of these are very real fake things, and my very real fake health care plan will cover all of them.”
The president believes he can convince Americans to give up their insurance plans without lifetime maximums and that cover more illnesses in exchange for his plan and a Taco Bell gift card.
“You give the poor people some free Taco Bell, and they’ll love you forever,” Trump explained. “Anyway, they’ll love Trumpcare. No other healthcare solution covers Vietnamese Bone Spurs or Restless White Nationalist Syndrome, I’ll tell you that much right now.”
In order to pay for all the new phony medical conditions, however, Trump concedes other cuts will have to be made.
“We won’t be covering actual illnesses you get, of course. That’s way too expensive. What do you think your health is, a golf outing to Mar-A-Lago, for Chrissakes,” Trump asked mockingly. “You’ll take what we give you and like it.”
Senator Mitch McConnell has already come out against the plan.
“Look, I’m a Republican, and so is Donald Trump. But while we see eye to eye on everything, my fellowship with the Republican Party means I want to give the Poors nothing,” McConnell explained, “and the president wants to give the Poors something. And even though that something is garbage and worthless, I oppose it, because it’s not going to a rich person. Now, if you’ll excuse me, that box of coal in my office is NOT going to fuck itself, good day to you all.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.