Friday, January 27, 2023

Tucker Carlson Will Only Spend Angelou Quarters Once He Spends the Ones with White Guys On Them

Fox News host and trust fund white supremacist Tucker Carlson inherited wealth that equates to, as one economist once described it, a “shitload of quarters.”

Carlson, an heir to the Swanson Foods empire, has a net worth estimated in the tens of millions of dollars. He could be assumed to have, therefore, quite a few billion quarters at his disposal. Should any of them be the new quarters just released by the U.S. Treasury, featuring an image of legendary African American poet Maya Angelou, however, they’ll most likely never be spent. Carlson explained his thinking to his Fox audience last night.

If You Hear Your Uncle Say This Three Word Phrase, Get Him to a Neurologist ASAP!

“What was wrong with keeping the quarters this country mints as they have been traditionally for decades? Why is Woke America always trying to get us to acknowledge that we don’t live in 1932 anymore? I’m sorry, but they can take their Cultural Marxist coins and stuff them,” Carlson said last night.

The Fox News host indicated that he can’t promise to “never, ever, ever” spend any Angelou quarters he receives, however, he plans to put off tendering them as long as he can.

“I would love to be able to promise you, my loving, hooded, cross burning, cousin-fucking audience that I will never spend one of these woke tokens — WOKENS?! — but I just can’t promise that I’ll never be stuck with no other option,”  Tucker continued, “but I will absolutely only spend them after I spend the ones with white dudes on them first. Once all the white ones are given priority, then I’ll use the, you know, URBAN ones. As God intended it to always be.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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