Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Golden Corral Taps Tucker Carlson to Promote “Patriot Binge and Purge” Loyalty Program

This week, Fox News will begin airing a docuseries produced by noted white nationalist trust fund baby Tucker Carlson entitled, Patriot Purge. In the docuseries, which is already garnering enormous backlash, Carlson advances the narrative that the events on January 6th, 2021 were a “false flag” operation intended to help purge the country of so-called patriots.

Eyeing an opportunity for synergy and seizing on it, buffet operator Golden Corral has tapped Carlson to be the spokesnazi for their new loyalty reward program, which is designed to entice MAGA-friendly customers to their locations.

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Golden Corral issued a press release, announcing their partnership with Carlson.

“Beginning this coming Monday, show up to any participating Golden Corral franchise wearing your ‘Stop the Steal,’ ‘QAnon is Real,’ or ‘Make America a White Nationalist Empire Again’ gear and you’ll be signed up for our new Patriot Binge and Purge loyalty rewards program,” the press release states. “Then, watch Patriot Purge and listen for Tucker Carlson to give you the special key phrase, which unlocks and additional $14.88 off each adult buffet you purchase!”

Customers who sign up for Patriot Binge and Purge will be given exclusive access to a special buffet that includes a bucket and feather station. Once each customer has had their fill of deep fried, cheese covered, gravy smothered goodness, they can use their buckets and feathers to purge their patriotic binge-eating from their guts. This should leave them with enough energy and pep to carry out any number of paramilitary operations against their own government.

“Now you can own the libs and puke up ribs! Don’t miss this great opportunity to eat like the Romans did,” Golden Corral’s announcement proclaims.

Mr. Carlson addressed the partnership today.

“I would personally never deign to set foot in one of these eating establishments, given that I’m in fact a member of the same wealthy, entitled class I tell ginned-up MAGAS they should hate,” Carlson said on his podcast today. “However, these folks offered me money, and who would I be if I didn’t do things for money, no matter how depraved, cynical, craven, or just plain wrong they are.”

Carlson will be making appearances at various Golden Corral locations this winter. The Patriots Binge and Purge loyalty program is free to join.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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