WASHINGTON. D.C. — At the time of publication, Twitter had just come back online after being down globally. The social media service experienced a downtime of over an hour and a half before coming back up. In a somewhat ironic twist, today President Trump hosted several right-wing social personalities and pundits at the White House for a summit on social media.
One of the topics discussed was social media censorship or bias, or as roughly 65% of Americans call it, “algorithms.” While Trump promoted the social media summit this morning on Twitter, by early afternoon it was down. Reportedly, sources within the West Wing were starting to get nervous about what might happen if Twitter remained unavailable, which could have resulted in a catastrophic loss of the president’s executive time.
“Oh good Christ, what if he actually tries to do his job for once? People don’t realize that as much as this has been a waking nightmare of inept kleptocracy, nepotism, gross dereliction of duty, and flagrant flauting of Constitutional checks on his power,” one aide told us, “he’s only been paying attention, like, 25%, tops. Without tweets, dude’s gonna be up in everyone’s shit. Ev-er-y-one’s.”
As a precaution, it’s being reported that the nuclear football — the device on which the authorization codes to launch an American nuclear strike anywhere in the world are kept — was hidden in a place Trump would never look to find it.
“He might have gotten hangry and ordered a nuclear strike on Sacramento or something,” the source divulged, “so for safe keeping, the football was temporarily put under a copy of a book beyond President Trump’s reading level, assuring us that he’d feel much too intimidated to go near it, thus avoiding, for the time being, nuclear winter. We will be forever grateful that copy of Cat in the Hat was left in the Oval Office from when the president’s grandchildren visited last week.”
For now, Twitter is back online and our source says a “real sense of relief” swept the executive branch when the president’s favorite social media outlet was online once more.
“We can hear him farting and shouting into his phone’s voice-to-text because he never closes the door to his private bathroom, so we’re operating under or normal state of heightened terror,” our source explained. “We’ll put the nuclear football back tomorrow. Probably. Maybe. We’ll see. If he’s a good boy and behaves.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”