Tuesday, July 27, 2021

Twitter Suspends Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Crack Pipe

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Over the weekend, freshman Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene had her government official Twitter account locked for twelve hours for repeatedly posting false information about the 2020 election. Greene is an adherent and believer in the QAnon conspiracy cult, and has continued to push the Big Lie of the Trump administration’s public coup attempt, which culminated in the violent insurrection on the capitol on January 6th, 2021.

This morning, Twitter unlocked Greene’s account after the 12 hour suspension had lapsed. However, almost immediately, a new restriction was placed on Greene. Or, rather, Twitter placed an additional restriction on one of her best friends, and the source of most of her delusional rantings about stolen election, Jesus, guns, and masks.

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“Today, Twitter took a step to protect the American people from blatant lies and propaganda and permanently suspended Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene’s crack pipe,” Twitter Deputy Media Liaison Susan Susanville told reporters today. “We strive to make Twitter a platform for discussion of ideas and thoughts, but it’s become apparent that some of our users are a little too casual about when they smoke crack and use our service, so we put some safeguards in place around the first of the year to mitigate the damage from our pro-crack userbase.”

Susanville said that Twitter management has come to the realization that cutting off elected officials who use their platform to spread lies and misinformation “may just not be enough,” and that they need to “get to the root cause and source” the deceptions spread on their platform.

“That’s why we decided to let Ms. Greene have her Twitter account, but to permanently ban her crack pipe,” Susanville explained. “We figured that was probably the quickest route to cut off her most dangerously stupid bullshit from the source. As much as we believe in free speech at Twitter, we had our legal team confirm that the Constitution makes no mention of crack pipes enjoying the First Amendment privileges sentient human beings enjoy, so we are confident we’d prevail in any legal challenges she or her crack pipe bring against us.”

Congresswoman Greene’s office said she would respond to this story once she was done taking bit fat rips off that glass dick.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.