Tuesday, May 30, 2023

TX Governor Signs Law Affirming Life Begins at Erection

AUSTIN, TEXAS — Gov. Greg Abbott (Q-TX) signed a law today that makes seeking or obtaining an abortion after the point of erection illegal.

“It is with great pride, and a solemn commitment to protecting the life of the unborn at every single stage of procreation — and not a moment more after birth — that I sign this bill into law,” Gov. Abbott told reporters as he signed the law. “Coupled together with our recent abortion restrictions, this law will effectively blanket every boner in the protective cover of the people of the Lone Star State.”


Abbott divulged that he had initially supported a proposal by Texas Republicans to ban abortions after the point of ejaculation. However, he indicated he’s happy that legislators decided to “take it back just a little bit more” to the point he feels “life truly begins.”

“If it’s good to recognize that life begins at ejaculation, it’s even better to look at process comes before the father shoots his goo,” Gov. Abbott explained. “There’s a whole big thing that happens with blood in the groinular region, from what I’m told. We call that process ‘getting wood’ or ‘putting up a pants tent,’ but the unvarnished truth is that there is no life without an erection, and so that’s why this law is more than necessary.”

Texas joins a handful of other Republican-controlled states that have adopted new, much stricter regulations on abortion this year. Abbot signed the first abortion-related law this week just hours after the Supreme Court announced it would hear the first case that could significantly gut the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision that established a constitutional right to an abortion before medical viability of the fetus.

Sister publication The Pastiche Post reported that some legal scholars believe the Supreme Court ruling could impact even more than just abortion laws, and could establish personhood for precum.

The high court will also take a case out of Florida that will determine if precum has the same rights as a pregnant woman. Heretofore, it’s been a widely accepted legal paradigm that precum, or the ejaculate that can seep out prior to full male orgasm, does not have the level of sentience required to meet the standard needed to expect a full compliment of constitutional freedoms, despite having the intellect needed to be elected as a Republican to Congress, evidenced by the career of Sen. Rand Paul, who is the only known Precum American to serve.

With the court’s decision to hear the Florida case, though, Precum Americans might find themselves covered in a dull sheen of liberty and taxation with representation.

“The case in Florida argues that a woman should not be allowed to have an abortion once a man has emitted even a droplet of precum from his phallus,” Constitutional lawyer Faith Pinnip told us in an interview today. “Life does not just began at conception, according to this Florida law, it begins at erection. It’s a sweeping decision, and one that has been smacked down at every lower level court. But with Justices Drunky McTrynrape and Amy Covid Barrett on the bench, all bets are off, and we could easily see Precum Americans elevated to full citizenship status.” (Pastiche Post)

The Supreme Court is expected to make its ruling at some point during its current term. No dates have been formally scheduled for oral or written arguments.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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