Monday, February 6, 2023

Ukraine Government Designates Dead Russian Soldiers as Gender Neutral Public Bathrooms

While Ukraine is under siege from an illegal occupying Russian military, life for its citizens has changed drastically and dramatically, in an extraordinarily short amount of time.

One way that day to life may have changed is in the availability of public restrooms. As more and more Russian missiles and bombs batter their cities, buildings that contained publicly accessible bathrooms are being destroyed as well, perhaps leading to some undignified choices being made by Ukrainians looking to relieve themselves.

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Enter: Ukraine’s government.

Despite being tasked with holding off an invading, fallen empire’s troops, the government of Ukraine announced today that it is making a special designation that should allow for more public restrooms to become available, even as the war drags on. Perhaps, especially because the war continues, in fact.

In a new written statement, Ukraine’s government has officially designated “any and all dead Russian soldiers” as viable, public restroom facilities.

A portion of the Ukrainian government’s statement:

“People of Ukraine, we hear you. We are with you, still, in solidarity, and we will continue to fight back against our aggressors in every way possible. We have decided that, to alleviate any pressure felt from a lack of publicly usable toilets, the Ukraine government hereby officially designates any and all corpses of Russian soldiers as public restroom space.”

Ukraine indicated that the Russian soldiers’ dead bodies will be usable by any citizen, regardless of gender.

“In these trying times, especially, it is vital for us to ensure that all citizens, regardless of their gender, can piss or shit when they need to, and that’s why dead Russian soldiers will be GENDER NEUTRAL bathroom facilities. Trust us, you may never want to go back to relieving yourself anywhere else after you’ve dropped your first deuce on a dead Russian soldier’s chest.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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