BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS — Executives at WalMart announced during an investor conference call this week that they will begin heavily regulating and restricting the sales of meth in their parking lots.
Back in May, WalMart issued a similar edict concerning their company policy toward opioid sales. WalMart began requiring at least seven days between filling prescriptions for opioids, and has said by 2020 they want all prescriptions for opioids filled at their pharmacies to be electronic, to cut down on fraudulent prescriptions written and forged by those addicted to painkillers. The country is currently facing a crisis of overuse of opioids, and WalMart has expressed an interest in wanting to help curtail their abuse.
“This new initiative was inspired by our opioid policy, no doubt,” WalMart Junior Deputy Vice-Sub President Walter Mart told us. “But we know full-well drugs don’t just get sold in our pharmacies; they get sold in our parking lots all the time.”
Starting in the fourth quarter of 2018, WalMart will begin requiring people to wait at least sixteen hours in between meth purchases in their parking lots. WalMart will hire an additional staff of security professionals to ensure that no minors purchase any meth. At this time, however, WalMart doesn’t have any plans to curtail the cooking of meth in their parking lots.
“We’re not fascists, for goodness sake,” Mart told us. “If you can park your RV in our parking lot long enough to cook up a batch of meth, well, we’re not here to stand in the way of capitalism.”
Reached for comment, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he was “elated and ecstatic” to hear the news. However, he did outline some concerns he has.
“Well, now, I just wanna make sure we’re policing the right drugs, and the right shade of American if you know what I mean,” Sessions said. “So if I catch wind that anyone is smoking the wacky tobacky, I will personally come over there and smack the mary-jay-wanna out of your mouth, arrest you, and deport you. Assuming, of course, you’re brown. If you’re white, well, I’ll pat you on the back, and maybe give you a rub and tug. Just depends on who you voted for, really.”
Sessions snapped his fingers and disappeared in a cloud of farts and burning crosses.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.