WASHINGTON, D.C. — Whether he wants to leave or not, by the end of January, once Joe Biden is sworn-in as the 46th President of the United States, Donald Trump will have to leave the White House. In case his efforts to forestall his departure extend beyond this year, and into next, reportedly crews have already begun to grease up the hinges and door jambs of the president’s residence, in the event that Trump must be pushed forcefully from the premises.
“Over the last four years, the president ingested a rather large amount of McDonald’s and KFC,” Lead White House engineer Sal Malloy told reporters today, “so there was quite a bit of extra grease from all his shits left over in the plumbing system. We drained as much of the grease as we could from the sewage, and we’re using that to oil up all the doors, to make it easier to squeeze his fat ass through the doorways.”
Engineer crews are hoping that if the door hinges and jambs are greased well enough, they’ll budge when Trump is shoved through them, widening just enough to allow his overly generous body weight to glide or slide through the doorway. However, Malloy indicated that some backup plans have been initiated as well, in case greasing the doors doesn’t do the trick.
“Well, we really want to be able to just grease the hinges and get a little bit more berth for his girth,” Malloy said, “but the simple truth is that he’s a large mammal. As such, we have a backup plan. We expect the catapult to arrive by the end of the week, and we’ll start putting it together as soon as it’s delivered.”
In addition to the catapult and greasing the hinges, Malloy said that the Truman administration might have inadvertently given his team the tools they need to remove Trump from office, decades ago.
“President Truman, as historians well know, loved trap doors. He was obsessed with them,” Malloy said, “and just weeks before he left office, he had several trapdoors installed throughout the White House. All of them are connected to a series of tubes that eventually dump the person out onto Pennsylvania Avenue.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.