Wednesday, October 27, 2021

250 Million Americans Show Up at White House Wanting to Change Locks While Trump is Gone

This is a story that was first published on The Political Garbage Chute.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As President Donald Trump prepares for his summit and annual performance review with his employer in Helsinki this coming Monday, millions of Americans have started showing up at The White House, protesting and demanding that the locks be changed before he comes home from his trip.

“Oh, I’m still hoping we can convince Congressional Republicans to put their country over their party,” Susan Willis of Bone Junction, Ohio told reporters as she stood with the massive throng of people on the White House lawn, “but we all kinda figured there might be an easier way to keep that maniac out of the White House.”

Skip Tullerson told reporters that he was a lifelong Republican but didn’t vote for Trump. He wrote in John McCain’s name instead. He said he wanted to come out and ask for a lock change because he had a similar situation with one of his rental properties.

“We were renting our home up in Kenosha to this family,” Tullerson explained, “and were in between tenants when out of the blue this racist orangutan moved in. I know, it sounds weird, that a orangutan would start squatting in our house, like it’s something out of one of those fake news articles, but anyway, we finally had to lure him out of the house with food and all the pussy he could grab. When he was out, we changed the locks. No more racist, angry orangutan in our house!”

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When she heard that Trump was leaving on his international trip, Helen Sankribish, a third-generation American whose grandparents immigrated in the 1950’s, said she decided to run down to the White House to see if she could convince the staff to change the locks.

“When I got here and saw over 249 million other people with the same idea,” Helen said, “I figured I was in good company.”

A White House staffer appeared on the lawn at just past noon and told everyone while she could “really very much so sympathize” with all 250 million Americans there, that it simply was not constitutional to change the locks on the president while he was gone. When it was suggested that since President Trump doesn’t like the Constitution and has complained about how “arcane” it is in the past, that gives everyone a right to ignore it, the staffer just laughed and reiterated that as much as she’d like to, she couldn’t just evict the President of the United States of America.

The Trumputin administration could not be reached for a comment on this story.

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