Sunday, September 25, 2022

White House Wants Sinema to Tell Them How Much Attention She Needs to Act Like a Democrat

WASHINGTON, D.C. — If President Joe Biden wants his bold new progressive agenda to pass through Congress, all he needs is for every single one of his fellow Democrats in that separate but equal branch of government to be team players. However, two senators in particular — Mr. Coalfarts McFuckface of West Virginia, and Ms. Kyrsten Sinema of Arizona — seem determined to derail their own party’s agenda ahead of the 2022 midterm elections.

Both Sinema and McFuckface are Democrats, but neither has been willing to budge much in negotiating the passage of Biden’s infrastructure and voting rights proposals. While McFuckface’s stalwart defense of coal companies surprises few, given his deep ties to that industry, some on the left, particularly grassroots progressives who helped her replace Republican Martha McSally, have been especially angry at Sinema for blocking the Democrats’ efforts to move Biden’s agenda through to his desk.


Reports are that today the White House once more reached out to Sen. Sinema’s office, hoping to engage her and get, according to a letter obtained by this outlet, “at least some sense of how much attention [Sinema] would need to act like a Democrat.”

“Dear Senator Sinema,” Biden’s letter entreats her, “we were just curious if you had any clue whatsoever as to what your endgame here is. What’s your strategy? Clearly, we understand you have an obvious and performative desire for attention. We just want to get from you at least some sense of how much attention you would need to act like a Democrat.”

Sen. Sinema’s office responded so quickly it was almost as if she is starved for attention and will jump right on the first bit of it she gets.

“Wow! Cool! A personal letter, to ME, from the President of the United States of America! I must be pretty freakin’ important,” Sinema wrote back. “Umm, I’ll tell you what — just keep heaping attention on me, like non-stop, okay? When and if I feel like it’s gotten to be enough attention for me to care about people not named Kyrsten Sinema, I’ll let you know. Okay, it’s been six hours so I need to go dye my hair again. Talk to you soon!”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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