Wednesday, October 27, 2021

White Woman Already Sh***ing Pure Pumpkin Spice

The calendar has just barely turned over into September, but 35 year old Katherine Braun has been eating and drinking pumpkin spice flavored products since the first official day of fall, back in September. In fact, with just a little over a couple weeks of the season under her belt, Katherine says she’s already “really feeling the season” these days.

“That’s because I’m shitting literally nothing but pure pumpkin spice,” Katie tells us via Skype. “Like, it’s as if someone came into my bedroom at night, stuck a hose down my throat, and pumped me full of nothing but pure, unadulterated pumpkin spice. And here’s the thing — I’m here for it.”

Katherine says that at first it was quite concerning when she started noticing that the only thing she could defecate was a stream of liquid pumpkin spice. She briefly considered cutting back on the pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin spice coffee cake, and pumpkin spice ice cream she’s been “horking down like a fiend” since the season started. She never, ever considered — however — giving up one pumpkin spiced part of her life that she says is “vital” to her survival.

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“Every week during the fall months, I get a pumpkin spice enema,” Katherine tells us. “And I am NOT giving those up. Part of me wonders if it’s all the pumpkin spice being hosed up my asshole every seven days that made me shit pure pumpkin spice. Then again, I literally don’t have a meal without something pumpkin spiced in it, so, your guess is as good as mine.”

Katherine says she’s “not crazy” and she understands she has to cut back on the pumpkin spice in a few weeks.

“Which is fine, because then I get to pivot to shitting pure, white hot peppermint,” Katherine tells us. “Tis the season for that!”

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James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals