GENEVA, SWITZERLAND — The World Health Organization issued an urgent advisory to all human beings on planet Earth, pleading with them to consider limiting all human centipedes to seven people at a maximum. The WHO’s new announcement comes as the international community struggles to contain and stop the spread of COVID-19, the novel coronavirus. Since late last year, the virus has spread in several countries, and millions of people have been forced into a self-quarantine at the behest of their country’s government in an attempt to blunt the curve of infection and hold COVID-19 at bay.
“Right, so really in theory human centipedes should be probably put on hold at least until the international community gets a real handle on COVID-19,” Dr. Gretel Hutson, WHO’s Junior Media Contact, told reporters in Geneva today. “However, if you simply cannot cancel or postpone the creation of your human centipede, for the sake of containing the coronavirus outbreak, we must strongly urge you to not let your human centipede grow larger than seven people. There should be no more than seven mouths and anuses interconnected, if you must connect anuses and mouths at all.”
The WHO’s new guidance comes as the Centers for Disease Control has been issuing similar guidelines for the last couple of weeks. In order to keep COVID-19 at bay, the CDC has suggested a number of changes to social norms. Just this morning, the CDC issued a reminder to Americans that they should certainly sanitize their butt plugs more often during the outbreak, however they should be sanitizing them frequently anyway.
Authorities at the Centers for Disease Control have issued a new statement to Americans, urging them to sanitize their butt plugs to help reduce the risk of coronavirus infection, however the CDC also reiterated their advice that butt plugs be sanitized often, regardless of a pandemic outbreak. At a special press conference this morning, CDC Junior Media Liaison Crystal Laforge told reporters that everyone should do their part to reduce the potential spread of the coronavirus, including sanitizing butt plugs and all sex toys, but she reiterated several times that butt plugs really should be cleaned after every single use. (Pastiche Post)
The CDC has even urged couples to consider changing the level to which they penetrate each other sexually during the outbreak. They’ve asked people to at least consider using “just the tip.” They argue every reduction in flesh-to-flesh contact helps reduce the risk of infection.
“Condoms are great, don’t get us wrong,” Dr. Wunderlandt admitted, “but condoms can fail. By just putting the tip in, you are minimizing your risk of exposure as much as possible. Of course, it’s probably wiser and safer to only do across the room masturbation, where you stay at least six feet away from your partner, but if you just can’t resist the urge to be within inches of each other’s personal space, then we implore you to consider using just the tip.” (Pastiche Post)
Dr. Hutson agreed with and reiterated the advice that the CDC issued recently that people wash their hands for at least as long as they masturbate.
“We saw that advice, and we completely concur with the CDC,” Hutson said. “However, I also want to add onto it. If you’re going to wash your hands — after you spank it or not — you should use warm soap and water, not your spit or urine. We’ve heard some rather weird reports lately, and we just want to remind everyone — soap and water, not spit and piss. Thank you.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.