BECKY FALLS, MINNESOTA — 43-year old Christina “Christy” Tomjanovich is judging the ever loving hell out of that shopping cart you’re pushing. To be fair to Christy, she always judges what’s in people’s carts. Whether it’s because they’re buying products she thinks are “toxic” or “unhealthy” and they clearly have children, or because she thinks they’re using their SNAP or food stamp benefits on food poor people shouldn’t be “allowed” to buy, Tomjanovich has never really shied away from rolling her eyes, clucking her tongue just enough to be heard as you’re emptying your cart onto the conveyor, or making passive aggressive comments to her husband Chad about what “some people” buy at the grocery store.
Christy is being super-judgmental of your coronavirus preparation shopping though, and she’s fighting like hell to keep herself from giving you a full-blown lecture about it.
“Oh my God,” Christy told her husband when she got home, “You should have seen what I saw some of those people putting in their carts. I mean, do you have any idea how much sodium is in boxed macaroni and cheese? And why are people buying all the two-ply toilet paper up? They should take a few packages of two-ply, and then hoard one-ply after that. Your butthole isn’t going to care in the middle of a pandemic if it gets a little chaffed! Just ridiculous.”
Christy says she “doesn’t care” if people stock up to prepare for what could be an extended period of self-quarantine as the worst of the coronavirus. She just doesn’t understand why people are buying what they’re buying. If they’d simply take the time to ask her, Christy, says, they’d find out exactly what they should be stocking their home with.
“I’ve read all the relevant news stories. I’ve written down copious notes while listening to experts on public radio,” Christy told Chad. “If anyone is pretty much this town’s local infectious disease expert, it’s me! Before all this coronavirus stuff, I was up on literally every important dietary recommendation out there, so I’m also clearly the town’s expert nutrionist. So why Carol Smiley was loading her cart up with canned tuna in oil instead of water I couldn’t begin to tell you, Chad.”
Tomjanovich says that in order to do her “community a favor,” she’s cleared her schedule so she can roam the aisles of every local grocery store in town, as much as possible. She’ll watch people put items in their carts, and then tell them why they shouldn’t. Even if they put something in their cart she thinks should ultimately go into it, she’ll likely tell them they were wrong for not consulting her first.
“Did anyone die and make me the shopping cart queen? Of course not,” Tomjanovich said. “But someone has to help people realize when they’ve made terrible decisions. Someone has to wag their finger in these times of great stress and tension. Someone has to be a judgy cunt, and if not me, then who? If not now, when?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.