Woman Tends To Cuss A Lot When You Act Like A Goddamned Fucking Shitheaded Cock-Faced Twat Waffle

This story was first published on The Pastiche Post.

Megan Hofer, 35 years old and from Santa Chingada, California, admits that she has a “potty mouth.” According to Megan, however, her tendency to curse doesn’t come out unbidden. Ms. Thompson says that in order to get her to “cuss a blue streak,” she has to be goaded into it.

“Basically, when people aren’t acting like goddamned fucking shitheaded cock-faced twat waffles, I’m all good,” Megan told us. “That being said, as soon as you start acting like a ball-blasting dick whistle, all bets are off.”




Thompson says that in her normal, day-to-day life she doesn’t usually “uncork one.” However, her commute to work will sometimes provide her an opportunity to swear like a sailor, she says. Megan doesn’t honk her horn, or tailgate if someone cuts her off, she just unleashes a torrent of swear words inside her 2012 Toyota Corolla.

“Driving is stressful enough as it is without motherfucking morons doing goddamned ridiculous shit and driving dangerously,” Megan says. “So when someone in another car nearly swerves into me, or is riding my ass while I’m actually going twenty miles an hour over the speed limit, I think calling them a cunt mangling banana cock is completely justified.”

Usually, people aren’t upset by Megan’s swearing, because they’ve gotten used to it over time, she says. Megan’s friends and family understand she’s generally a smart, empathetic person. There was one time her ability to swear profusely did cause tension with her parents though.

“My folks are religious for some reason, I don’t get it. But anyway, we went to church with them once, and in the parking lot, some asshole nearly backed their Suburban into my six year old daughter,” Megan told us. “So I said, ‘Watch where you’re going you fucking blind, burlap sack of shit and jizz.’ And my mom was so mad at me. But how the fuck was I supposed to know what the pastor’s car looked like, and he’s the son of a fuck that almost ran over her granddaughter!”

Typically, Megan says that in a standard week, one or two people are “such insufferable twat canoes” that she’s forced to let them have it.

“There’s the guy in the grocery store parking lot who says something about tits,” Megan said. “Or the woman who told me doesn’t vaccinate her kids because everyone else does, so why do her unvaccinated kids pose any threat to anyone else. Anti-vaxxers get it five times as hard from me, the motherfucking asstwats.”

Ms. Hofer is extremely glad her day job, working for a non-profit program for children with working parents, helps her keep her swearing in check for most of the day.

“Oh, some of those kids have real pieces of shit for parents, and that makes them act like pieces of shit too,” Megan said. “But I can’t call a nine year old a piece of shit, so I just hold it all in, and tell my husband about what absolute bastard-ass-shit-bitches that little girl’s parents must be. He gets a kick out of it, at least.”



James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals



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