Thursday, March 30, 2023

Zuckerberg: “Why Would We Take Our Network Down to Scrub It After The Whistleblower’s Report?”

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — For hours yesterday, white nationalists, conservative Baby Boomers, and anti-vaxxers were left without access to their preferred social media platform. Facebook was down and inaccessible for much of the work day, and in fact their entire suite of applications — Instagram, WhatsApp, and even their VR site Oculus, were also unavailable.

The massive outage came less than a full day after an explosive new whistleblower account levied serious charges against Facebook. The whistleblower, Frances Haugen, is a data scientist and former product manager at Facebook, and in a 60 Minutes interview, she referenced internal Facebook documents that she had broken her non-disclosure agreement to bring to the press evidence of her claims. Haugen has accused Facebook of lying to the public about tamping down on false information, and said she believes the social media company helped facilitate Donald Trump’s failed coup attempt on January 6th.

Some have wondered if, perhaps, Facebook’s network outage provided cover so that the company could effectively scrub as much damning data as possible. However, in a statement posted to his blog this morning, CEO and sociopathic AI algorithm Mark Zuckerberg denied such allegations.


Below is a brief excerpt from Mr. Zuckerberg’s post.

I understand that, in the past, Facebook has facilitated genocide, kidnapping and extortion plots, racism, dangerous conspiracy theories, and outright false information about vaccination and masking, all in the name of getting more money for ads. But that doesn’t mean you can’t trust us, does it? Why would we take down our network to scrub it after the whistleblower’s report, and more importantly, why would I lie about it?

Why would I ever lie? Lying is bad! It’s just like when I told those nice senators that Facebook doesn’t have the tech to spy on you when you’re not using our apps, in order to better tailor ads to you based on what you browse and shop for. Sure, you can tell with your own eyes and ears that you’re getting bombarded with ads for desks after telling your wife that you need to buy a new desk for your office, and that means I was at best not fully truthful about what we allow, and very possibly lied through my robotic teeth about it, but, I ask again, when have I ever lied?

No! I’m not gaslighting! Yes, you’ve seen me lie, but when have I ever lied? What was the lie about? I’m a billionaire, remember, I don’t have to lie. I can just buy my own reality and insist you plebs abide by it. So, I ask again, when have I ever lied about anything?

Please, continue to use my hotness rating application so that I may further mine your data and manipulate you. Trust me. You have nothing to fear from a corporation that pretends to be about free speech and is really just all about serving you whatever shocking, bias confirming content we think you need to in order to keep you glued to your screens, using our products.

Your Bestest Buddy,

Marky Z.


Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
Must Read


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Latest News

God Apologizes For Not Telling Everyone About His Great Replacement Project Sooner

After a white supremacist gunman's killing spree in Buffalo, New York over the weekend revealed the shooter's manifesto included...

More Articles Like This